


Sunshine, Darkness, Stars

by akhikaru



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Community: arashi_exchange, Eventual Happy Ending, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Murder, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2019-05-21 19:55:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14921841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akhikaru/pseuds/akhikaru
Summary: What to do when you lose sunshine?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [learashi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/learashi/gifts).



> Written for Arashi Exchange 2016.
> 
> The focus of the story is Jun/Aiba, but the other pairings appear too at some point.

_Sunshine is warm. Sunshine is bright._  
Aiba Masaki is sunshine.   
  
  
  


* * *

The day Jun met Masaki was the luckiest day of his life.

For the first time during his career, a magazine chose Jun to be on the cover. It was a surprise. "You are the first male to get a solo cover," his manager had informed him the day of the photo shoot. It only made it all the more exciting.

Jun had been waiting for the day the magazine would go on sale to get a copy. He hadn't expected to find a crowd lining up to buy it. A huge grin was on his face when he heard women of all ages swooning over him, seemingly unaware that Jun himself, albeit in disguise, was walking among them. The magazines flew off the shelves in a matter of minutes.

After leaving the bookstore, Jun went to his favorite coffee shop. He examined the magazine's contents as he sipped his cappuccino. The photos were, as expected, flawless. He felt so proud that he treated himself to an extra bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese to celebrate, his diet be damned.

And yet, that was just the start of his day.

"No way! Another one?" Jun almost screamed on the phone. Since that morning, the agency had received offers from three different brands who wanted to feature Jun in their ads. Two directors had also requested him for roles in their upcoming dramas, and he got invitations to several variety shows. "Yes, yes, yes! Say yes to everything!"

This was insane. All those offers just because of a photo shoot?

Most of the models from his agency sent him long mails, showering him with praises. Even his biggest rival sent him a text, wishing that this was only "the first step to greater things." Whether that was sarcasm or not, Jun didn't care. He was floating on a cloud of happiness and nobody, not even that envious little bitch, would bring him down today.

The weather was just lovely, so he decided to take a stroll around the park. And it was exactly then that his world and Aiba Masaki's collided.

Well… more like he and Masaki's _dog_ collided.

"Get off me! Get off me!" Jun screamed. The dog was quite heavy, its paws were pressing on Jun's ribcage.

"I'm so sorry!"

When the dog finally moved, Jun laid eyes on Masaki for the first time. He had seen many smiles in his lifetime, yet none were as warm and bright as Masaki's. _Wow…_

"Are you alright? I hope he didn't hurt you too much," Masaki said, looking slightly nervous.

"N-No! Not at all!" Jun replied.

Masaki helped him stand and offered to buy him a strawberry crepe as an apology. Jun pretended to refuse at first, until Masaki started whining and he couldn't resist anymore. They talked for hours, exchanged numbers, and parted ways, promising that they'd get in touch soon.

Such a perfect day was something that occurred only once in a lifetime.

Jun would treasure it forever.  


* * *

  
  
  
They are not lovers, at least not anymore. Which is fine, really. With fangirls obsessing over every little thing he does, having a relationship is quite _risky._ Jun wouldn't expose Masaki to the wrath of the maniacs—he doesn't call such individuals fans, it would be disrespectful to the nice and mentally-stable people who follow him.

Masaki is not a celebrity, although with those looks he could easily pass for one. He works at a daycare and loves it. His life is peaceful. His reputation is clean.

Why does he hang out with someone like Jun in the first place?

 

"Jun-chan!"

Jun cringes involuntarily when he hears the nickname. He's never liked it, but he doesn't have the heart to stop Masaki from using it. No matter how many years have passed since they met, Jun can't get used to it.

People always call him 'MatsuJun'. That's the nickname his co-star gave him during his first drama. _Mao-chan._ They haven't talked in ages, ever since that awkward press conference where they had to dispel the rumors about their supposed relationship. Usually, they wouldn't have bothered to do so, but the situation had escalated to a point that they decided it was necessary.

The rumors never stopped though, which was why Jun woke up to another tabloid saying that he and Mao would get married at the end of the year. _Please,_ he snorted when he skimmed through the blocks of text where the reporters compiled the 'proofs' they had of their relationship. What would they say if they found out that both of them are gay as hell, that Mao only let paparazzi see her in public with Jun so that they left her _girlfriend_ alone?

"Jun-chan!"

Jun clicks his tongue and turns to see Masaki. He's still wearing that green apron he uses at the daycare. Every time Jun sees the thing, there are new paint splatters on it—pink and yellow today.

"You're late!" Jun scowls at him. "I've been waiting for half an hour!"

"I'm sorry!" Masaki giggles. "I had a little… _situation._ We're out of pink and yellow paint. The head teacher wasn't happy. I got a new painting for my collection though! It's very nice!"

A smile tugs at the corners of Jun's lips. He's certain that the next time he visits Masaki, said 'painting' will be stuck to his bedroom's wall, next to the others. "I see," Jun simply says, holding Masaki's jacket while he takes off his apron and shoves it in his backpack. "Well, I think we can still make it on time for our reservation, if you're not too tired to go."

"I'm good," Masaki assures him. He takes his jacket and leads the way to Jun's car. It's parked at the usual corner, not too far from the daycare's entrance. Masaki waits for him to unlock the doors and hops in the passenger seat. He seems tired; his eyes are almost closing.

"You can take a nap if you want," Jun tells him as he starts the engine. Masaki whines, mumbling something about wanting to hear about Jun's day. It makes Jun smile. "Ah, let's see… there's a new date for my wedding with Mao-chan."

"Eh, really? Where's my invitation then?" Masaki pouts at him.

"It must have gotten lost in the mail, man. I'm sorry…"

They burst out laughing.

Masaki is wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. "No, but seriously… what's new?" he says once he manages to stop laughing.

"Hmm…" Jun purses his lips. "I'll be taking dancing lessons for a new project."

"Is that so?" Masaki's eyes glint with curiosity. "And what kind of project is it?"

"One that I can't discuss with anyone yet."

"Not even with your best friend?"

From the corner of his eye, Jun can see Masaki's puppy eyes. He smirks, keeping his sight on the road and pretending not to hear Masaki. He laughs when Masaki hits his arm, accusing him of being a "bad person"—the closest thing to an insult he ever hears from Masaki. So sweet of him to keep his language free of foul words even when kids aren't watching.

"I _really_ can't tell you," Jun says. "The agency made me promise that I wouldn't ruin the surprise before they make the official announcement."

"But I won't tell anyone!" Masaki whines. He looks almost like the little children he takes care of in that moment. The more he works with kids, the more he acts like one himself. Jun wonders if he notices it. "Please, please, please, please, please, please!"

Jun rolls his eyes at him. "I'll tell you after dinner."

"Ah, come on!"

During the following minutes, Masaki bombards him with questions relentlessly. Jun can tell he's growing frustrated. He keeps grumbling and pouting, and Jun wants to congratulate himself for not falling for his old tricks. Not that he's completely immune to Masaki's charms now, but in the old days, he would have given in much faster.

When they get to the restaurant, Masaki seems to forget about the matter. He's too busy looking around with his mouth agape, giving excited little squeals when he finds something he likes. Jun has taken him to so many places in the past, yet his ability to be impressed has not diminished one bit. That's one of the things Jun loves the most about him.

"This place is so nice! Are you sure it's okay to come here like this?" Masaki points at his outfit. "Everyone here looks so stylish! I wish I had worn better clothes today!"

"You look great," Jun says. He means it. In Jun's opinion, Masaki looks best when he isn't even trying to look good. He guesses that's what people call _natural beauty._ "You are more gorgeous than anyone else in this place."

His compliments, albeit not very frequent, still make Masaki blush. A part of him feels hopeful whenever it happens, interpreting it as a sign that Masaki is still attracted to him. But he doesn't allow himself to hope too much anymore. It's been four years since their breakup. If Masaki wanted to get back together, it would have already happened.

"I see what you're doing," Masaki narrows his eyes at him. "You want me to get distracted, to make me forget about that secret project of yours, don't you?"

_Not really._ "Ah! You saw right through me!" Jun laughs, although he doesn't feel like it at all.

"I see _everything_ , Jun-chan, _everything_ ," Masaki replies with a smug expression.

_Do you?_

Jun shakes his head. "Yeah, sure you do…"

 

_He isn't over Masaki yet. He doubts he'll ever be._

 

On the way home, Jun can't help thinking about _that_ day.

It's been a long time. He had just turned twenty-seven some weeks before it happened. His career was at a good point: job offers came quite frequently, his fan club was growing, he won a few awards for his drama roles. Everything was going according to plan.

Until Masaki broke up with him.

It hurt. It still does, actually, although not as much as it used to. Work and a fairly active social life have kept him busy enough to help him move on. His feelings for Masaki haven't changed in the slightest; he won't try to fool himself into believing they have, but he thinks that he's gotten better at keeping them under control—at least he hopes so.

To this day, it amazes him that he agreed to be just friends with Masaki. Sure, they _had_ been friends for a while before they started dating, but he never thought they would go back to _that_. It took him a few months to get used to it. He doesn't regret it at all. Having Masaki around is enough for him to be content.

That's what he usually tells himself.

From time to time, however, Jun realizes he might not have been ready to deal with it. Masaki, always so affectionate and kind, doesn't seem to realize how much his actions affect Jun. Every time Masaki makes time to meet with Jun despite having far more important things to do, or forgoes sleep just to talk to Jun on the phone, or praises him for something 'cool' he did, it gives Jun hope. And it's not Masaki's fault at all, that's probably the worst part. Jun knows that he shouldn't over think everything Masaki does. "You looked good in that CM" shouldn't be a phrase that makes Jun ask himself "what did he mean?" during a week. Hearing Masaki say "I can't wait to see you" should raise his spirits instead of sending him into an endless search for a mysterious explanation that probably doesn't exist.

"I'm hopeless," Jun sighs. He's in his room, staring at the ceiling because he cannot sleep. He can never sleep after he's spent the night with Masaki. It's like a curse.

He will never feel like this for anyone else. He is certain of it. None of the men he's dated since their breakup have stirred in him anything remotely similar to what he's felt for Masaki during the past nine years.

Nine years. He's been in love with Masaki during most of his adult life. They were almost children back then, or so it seems to Jun now. He still remembers the many times they played in the park with Masaki's dog. When he closes his eyes, he can see Masaki's smile, its image perfectly preserved in his memories. He can hear the sound of Masaki's laughter in a corner of his mind, Masaki's voice saying the words Jun's memorized so well… 

 

"I love you, Jun-chan. You are my best friend."

_Ouch._

 

It's the first day of Jun's dancing lessons.

On the way to the studio, Jun's manager talks non-stop about his instructor, Ohno Satoshi. The guy is the top dancer of Freestyle, an Osaka-based dance company. He will be teaching Jun everything he needs for his upcoming movie, where he will be playing a stripper. It'll definitely be controversial, as most of Jun's past roles. A smirk spreads on his lips as he imagines the reaction the public will have this time. He'll definitely be checking social media after the official announcement is made.

The actual filming won't start until the end of the year, but Jun had requested that his training start as soon as possible. There's no way he'll be walking onto the filming set without making sure that he has mastered the skills his character is supposed to have. His perfectionism won't allow it.

"Here we are," Jun's manager says with a smile as he guides Jun inside the studio. It's completely empty—not a surprise, since the agency is being rather hermetic about this project ever since Jun accepted it. Aside from the two poles right in the middle of the room, it isn't much different from every other dance studio Jun has seen before. High ceilings, wood flooring, and a wall covered entirely in mirrors. There are four windows opposite the wall with mirrors. Jun can see his apartment building from here. It's just a few blocks away. Jun can see why the distance is convenient, but at the same time he wonders if it'll be easy to keep the media away from here.

He'll save those thoughts for later. For now, his attention needs to be elsewhere.

"Interesting," Jun says, eyeing the dancing pole. He holds it with one hand as he twirls, making his manager chuckle. He wraps a leg around the pole, arching his back. It is then that he notices that they aren't alone anymore.

There's a short man standing by the door, watching Jun with an amused expression. He's wearing a faded t-shirt and sweatpants. Nothing about him says 'top dancer', but since he's the only other person inside the studio Jun guesses this is his new instructor, Ohno Satoshi.

"Ohno-san! It's so great to finally meet you!"

Jun's manager beats him to greeting the instructor, immediately sputtering praises about Ohno. _Such a fanboy,_ Jun rolls his eyes at him. Ohno looks a bit embarrassed. It's kind of cute, especially with the way he's smiling. When he starts laughing at whatever Jun's manager is saying, Jun finds himself grinning at the sight.

_Wait, what?_

Jun shakes his head. What the heck was that? He clears his throat, effectively silencing the other two men. "Shall we get started, Ohno-san?"

"Oh, right!" Ohno laughs a little bit, looking sheepish.

It's easier for Jun to concentrate once they start with the training.

Ohno is kind of hot when he's dancing.

_Wait… no._

They will see each other every day for the next few months.

 

_How to avoid attraction, by Matsumoto Jun._  
You can't.  
End. 

 

Jun used to think that strippers merely took off their clothes to tease their audience, showing off their toned bodies and moving suggestively in order to have them at their complete mercy.

It's not like that, apparently. Not that they don't use nudity at their advantage, they definitely do, but it isn't all about seduction. Direct contact of the skin with the pole makes it easier to do acrobatic movements. Who would have thought it?

Not Jun, obviously.

Seeing Ohno in his boxers when he comes in for his next lesson is a _huge_ surprise… for more reasons than one.

 

"How is it going?"

"Hmm…?"

"Your dancing training!"

"Ah, that… It's alright, I guess."

"You don't sound very convinced. Anything happened?"

"Eh? No, why?"

"It's just that you were way more excited before you started than now."

"Well… training is more difficult than I expected."

"Oh, really?"

"You can't imagine."

 

Around the end of the first month of Jun's daily lessons, Ohno has to travel for a while. "Will be in London for a few weeks," he explains. It doesn't mean Jun gets a rest from his dancing lessons. Ohno has actually left him a few pre-recorded lessons on DVDs. Jun will watch them at home and practice, using the brand new dance poles he had installed in his living room some days before—the guy his agency sent to do the job was quite flustered when Jun tested the poles, it was priceless.

_"And now, you stretch your legs like this…"_

Jun squirms in his seat as he watches the first of the pre-recorded lessons Ohno left him. He is so tempted to jerk off to it now that he's at home and nobody is watching him. He takes deep breaths, trying to focus more on memorizing the sequence of movements than on the man's deliciously sculpted body. The tight boxers Ohno is wearing leaves nothing to imagination. Jun can see the outline of his cock. His blood rushes south as he imagines taking it in his mouth, in his ass, bent over a table as Ohno fills him, rolling his hips expertly as Jun begs for it.

The video continues playing in the background as Jun slips a hand inside his pants. He's already dripping, and if he wasn't so horny he'd probably feel a little bit ashamed. He wraps a hand around the base of his cock and focuses on the screen again. Ohno's legs are stretched apart. He's supporting his body weight only with one arm while his other one is extended, his fingers touching his ankle. Jun can't take his eyes off him.

The heat pooling in his groin is growing with every movement of his hand. His moans resonate in the room. He doesn't care if his neighbors hear it. He doesn't even think of it as he keeps going, bringing himself closer and closer to the edge.

Ohno is swaying sensually to the beat of the background music. As the song progresses, his pace becomes faster. _Faster, faster, faster…_

Jun comes in his hand, screaming, his vision going blurry. He's sweating, his hair sticking to his forehead. For a while, he doesn't move, not even to clean himself. In the screen, the video keeps playing. Now Ohno is showing him some exercises he's supposed to do before and after his pole dance routine. He should pay attention, but he feels exhausted. He falls asleep as Ohno is saying goodbye to the camera.

The next morning he wakes up to a phone call from his manager. He's thirty minutes late. Mumbling curses between his teeth, he rushes to get ready.

On his way out, he finds a note stuck to his door.

"Partying alone last night? You should have invited me." Jun chuckles as he reads it on the elevator. "Halo night was ruined thanks to you. I hope you're satisfied."

Now he _is._  
  
  
  


* * *

The notes started appearing on his door last year, the day after his birthday party.

_Damn, don't you people have to work tomorrow? Cause I fucking do!_

It was signed by someone called Nino. Jun went to apologize for the noise, but Nino never answered the door.

Around three weeks later, Jun had someone over. They never made it to the bedroom.

_Whoa, that was great… for the three of us. You sound good when someone's fucking you._

Jun didn't know whether to die of embarrassment or feel proud.

He did like the idea of Nino listening to him though.  


* * *

  
  
  
"Nino left you another note?" Masaki hasn't stopped giggling since Jun showed him the little piece of paper. "Partying alone last night… Wait, what were you doing?"

Jun's face heats up. "Umm…"

Masaki bursts out laughing. "Cute," he says, pinching Jun's cheek. "You know… you should invite me next time."

Jun's heart beats faster. "Eh?"

Masaki laughs again.

_Fucking tease._

 

Masaki does visit his apartment some days later. His eyebrows shoot up when he sees the dancing pole. "What kind of dance are you learning?"

"Want me to show you?"

Jun means it when he asks. He would love to dance for Masaki, to attempt to seduce him one more time, even if he has the feeling that nothing will change between them, no matter what he does.

"Hmm…" Masaki smirks, his eyes glinting with interest.

_Is he…? Will he…?_

"Ah, but wouldn't that ruin the surprise, Jun-chan?"

Jun can't say he didn't expect that answer.

He feels disappointed anyway.

 

Masaki and Jun meet at least three times a week. They talk about the daycare, about Jun's upcoming projects, even about Jun's number one rival, who happens to be one of Masaki's favorite people in the world.

"Sho-chan is very nice. You shouldn't be so mean to him!" Masaki says. "He always speaks so highly of you. It seems he's got a crush on you."

Jun snorts. "Not interested."

"Why not? He's funny, smart, knows a lot of cool places, and he's very good-looking!"

"Then _you_ should date him."

"Hmm… that wouldn't be such a bad idea!"

Jun is fuming.  
  
  
  


* * *

Sakurai and Masaki's meeting was entirely Jun's fault.

"It will be fun!" Jun had insisted until Masaki accepted to go with him to his agency's end of the year party.

They had a great time. Masaki was very shy, yet somehow when he grew more comfortable, it seemed as though he belonged there, among all those celebrities. He was so charming.

Eventually, they ran into Sakurai who accompanied them the whole night despite Jun giving him the stink eye almost constantly.

On the way home, Masaki gushed non-stop about Sakurai.

Jun just wanted to bang his head against a wall.  


* * *

  
  
  
Jealousy isn't pretty, Jun has always thought so. That's why he tries to keep his cool whenever Masaki insists on talking about Sakurai Sho, and spends less time with him.

The rest of the time, Jun is either working or staying home, jerking off to the DVDs Ohno left for him. Jun's manager gives him a new one every three or four days. Apparently, Ohno is taking the time to record new lessons, even in the middle of whatever he's doing in London.

His collection of notes from Nino keeps growing. He gets a new one on a daily basis.

 

_Ran out of yellow post-it. Hope you don't mind that I'm using Mario-shaped ones? They're giving them away at work. Couldn't waste the chance to get as many as I could, since you're going through a horny phase._

_Anyway, you were awesome as always, thanks a lot. Take care._

_-Nino_

 

The reminder that he's misusing Ohno's videos makes Jun feel guilty. On the other hand, fantasizing about Ohno Satoshi is the only effective way that he's found to keep Masaki out of his mind. It's not a valid justification, he knows.

He hopes Ohno will never find out about it.

 

Ohno comes back after two months.

Jun's manager can't accompany him to the studio the day they schedule the first session due to a doctor's appointment. The man has been getting some serious stomach pains the last few weeks. Jun gives him a call in the morning, to wish him good luck at the doctor and to remind him to rest.

_Here we go…_ Jun takes a deep breath and pushes the studio's door open. He is welcomed by the sight of Ohno Satoshi sitting on a chair, wearing only his boxers. His skin is a bit more tanned than the last time, and his hair is also slightly longer.

Jun's pants are already feeling a bit tight.

"Oh, Matsumoto-san!" Ohno greets him with a smile. "How have you been?"

"Fine. Quite busy," Jun replies, setting his duffel bag in a corner. "How was London?"

"It was great! I met so many interesting people over there. Got some offers to dance in Europe next year. I'm still considering it, but I think I might take it," Ohno mumbles. "It's after recordings for your movie, so it shouldn't be any trouble."

Jun hums. "Congratulations, then," he replies as he takes off his clothes. "So… shall we start?"

When Ohno doesn't give him an answer, Jun turns to look at him with a frown. "What?"

"Today," Ohno pauses, staring right into Jun's eyes, "you are going to dance for me."

Jun gasps. "E-Eh?"

"It's the only way I can tell how much you've progressed since I left," Ohno says. A smirk forms on his lips as he holds Jun's gaze. "You have been practicing properly, haven't you?"

"O-Of course…"

"Then it shouldn't be difficult."

Jun is about to protest when Ohno pushes a button on the remote he has in his hand. Loud music starts blaring in the room. Ohno motions him to go ahead with a wave of his hand.

Standing awkwardly with his eyes fixated on the floor isn't an option, not with the way Ohno is looking at him in the moment. Unlike his usual gentle expression, there's something else there. Jun can't put his finger on it, but it makes him shiver slightly, heat rising to his cheeks involuntarily as he makes his way to the dancing pole.

He knows the moves. He has practiced them for hours, day after day. Even during breaks between his photo shoots and recordings: He flees to a secluded room and practices for as long as he can. He's fallen flat on his face several times, and he almost twisted his ankle one morning while attempting a rather difficult figure—which he mastered around a week later.

Still, once he touches the metal pole, he feels as though it was the first time he did it.

Matsumoto Jun, a supermodel who appears half naked in photo shoots all the time, one of Japan's sex-symbols, the man who prides himself in the fact that no one—aside from a certain Aiba Masaki—has made him blush since high school ended, is feeling self-conscious in front of his appointed dancing trainer.

Trying to keep his cool, Jun focuses solely on the pole, freeing his mind from any distracting thoughts related to the man sitting not far from there. He stretches his legs one moment, and then bends himself in half, his arms extended. The pole is his lifeline, the only thing keeping his sanity and his body in place.

"You're doing it great."

The voice disrupting his inner silence sounds lower, huskier than usual. From the corner of his eye, Jun catches Ohno squirming in his seat, trying to hide a rather obvious bulge in his boxers by crossing his legs.

_That's interesting,_ Jun smirks. The discovery pleases him infinitely. Emboldened by that, he slowly gets down the pole. He continues dancing, letting his instincts take over. He hears Ohno moan, and decides to approach him.

Lust shines in Ohno's dark eyes. Jun's heart beats faster with each step he takes towards the man.

"M-Matsumoto-san…"

Jun shushes him, his index finger on Ohno's lips. Now that they're separated by merely centimeters, he's a bit unsure of how to proceed. That is, until Ohno pulls him by his waist to make him sit on his lap.

"Go on…" Ohno whispers. Their lips are so close, yet neither of them closes the gap. "Go on…" Ohno repeats, bucking his hips slightly upwards, making Jun moan in surprise.

Whatever reservations Jun still had vanish in thin air. Their bodies grind together in perfect synchrony. Jun thrusts forward, feeling Ohno's fingers dig deeper in his skin. He laughs and does it again, getting a groan in response.

"You…" Ohno narrows his eyes at him, a playful smile on his lips. He wraps an arm around Jun, bringing their bodies closer, and starts bucking his hips upwards. His other hand is fumbling with something. Jun only understands what it is when Ohno's hand slips inside his boxers, a lubed finger probing Jun's hole.

_Wait…_

"You came prepared," Jun mutters. He hisses as Ohno's finger goes deeper inside him. "You planned this, didn't you?"

At least Ohno has the decency to look sheepish for a moment. He shrugs and adds a second finger, making Jun cry out loud. "Doesn't seem to me like it bothers you," he says.

Jun rolls his eyes at him and pulls him for a kiss.

 

_Resisting temptation is hard.  
Giving into it… not so much._

 

The next day, Ohno takes him against the wall, the one with the mirrors on it. Jun thinks his knees will give in any moment, yet he stays upright out of sheer willpower. He makes a mess when he comes. The two of them laugh for a good five minutes before cleaning it up.

The day after that, Ohno gives him a blowjob while they're in the shower. He's as talented with his mouth as he is with the rest of his body.

A few weeks continue in the same manner. They never actually sit to discuss what's going on and just let everything flow. There are no feelings involved from either side, Jun is pretty sure of it, so he doesn't bring it up. It's not necessary. It's just lust.

This new development does have an effect on his habits though. He no longer meets Masaki with the same frequency as before, although they do talk on the phone on a daily basis. Masaki says he sounds different, less stressed than before. Jun doesn't give it much thought.  
Around two weeks later, Jun gets a new manager, a stiff woman who is always in a sour mood. His previous manager had a surgery to remove a tumor in his stomach, which means he'll be in the hospital for a while. Jun dropped by the very day the man was allowed to have visitors. "Get well soon, Maruyama-san. It isn't the same without you," he told the man that day, making him smile.

It's the truth. His new manager doesn't give him as much freedom as Maruyama does. She's a nightmare. He's stuck with her until Maruyama recovers though; which is why he slips the key to his apartment and a card with his address in Ohno's pocket three days after his new manager starts working.

Nino is delighted, of course. He continues leaving notes—now he's using _Dragon Quest_ themed ones. _Your new fuck buddy sounds even better than you._ Jun can't stop laughing at that one. He doesn't show it to Masaki. Actually, he doesn't show him any note that mentions Ohno. Keeping it as a secret is probably for the best, Jun thinks. Masaki would end up making a big deal out of it, when it's definitely _not._

When movie filming starts, Jun and Ohno only see each other once a week. Sometimes they decide to postpone it, because Jun is too tired to even think about sex. Some other times Jun gives Ohno an 'emergency call', to let him know that filming ended early and he can drop by.

Like tonight.

They're on Jun's couch, just like most times Ohno 'visits'. Jun is gripping Ohno's shoulders as he lowers himself on Ohno's erection, clenching his walls around Ohno while he sways sensually. "Like that…" Ohno raises his hips to thrust into Jun.

Jun's toes curl. He whines as Ohno continues hitting his prostate dead on.

Life isn't perfect, but Jun is starting to enjoy it more.

 

_What could possibly go wrong?_

 

 

Masaki finds out about Ohno one day he drops by unannounced.

"Hey!" Jun greets him with his usual smile. He notices something is off by the way Masaki smirks at him. "What?"

Then he holds up a note. _Nino's note._

"Anything you want to tell me, Jun-chan?"

Jun is screwed.

 

_Umm, I don't know how to ask this…_

_My parents are staying at my place for this weekend, and I was wondering if, just for this time, you could keep it down?_

_It would mean a lot to me._

_-Nino_

_PS: Your lover's voice is so hot. Seriously. Sizzling hot!_

 

"So…"

"So?"

"Who is he?"

"Nobody."

"You like him?"

"I guess."

"Just _like,_ or…"

"We just fuck."

"I see…"

"What now?"

"Eh?"

"Whatever you're thinking, just say it."

"It's nothing."

"Tell me."

"You can't keep running away from love forever, you know."

"This isn't…!"

"It could be!"

"Don't be ridiculous."

 

_Silly Masaki… I am not running away from love, no…_

 

Talking about getting a new love with the only man he's ever loved makes Jun feel frustrated. He's going to need it hard tonight in order to forget about it.

"Sorry Nino," Jun mumbles an apology to his neighbor as he texts Ohno, asking him to come earlier than planned.

 

_Or maybe I am, but not the way you think._

 

"Is this how you want it?" a deep voice whispers in his ear as dexterous fingers slide inside him. Jun whimpers, his voice half-muffled by a gag. "Tell me…" Another hand starts roaming over his chest, stopping to twist one of his nipples.

Jun almost wishes that he hadn't asked to be blindfolded. _Almost._

The rattling sound of the handcuffs keeping him tied to the dancing pole distracts him for a second until a finger finds his spot, making him see white.

He's waited all week for this.

An escape from routine, from reality, from himself…

From thinking about Masaki.

 

_Fuck you._

_-Nino_

_PS: My mom sends you her best._

 

Jun can't help laughing—and feeling just _slightly_ guilty—when he sees Nino's note. It must have been an awkward family night for him.

It's his day off, so he makes himself a big breakfast. It's been days since he had time to cook. His phone buzzes while he's pouring himself some tea. He sputters in his mug once he checks his messages.

Ohno sent him some pictures he snapped the previous night through LINE. Jun blushes furiously as he checks them, yet he feels strangely aroused seeing himself like that.

He decides to save the pictures on his phone.

 

The marks around his wrists have finally faded, thankfully. Not that Jun has any problem with them, but the stylist wouldn't have been very forgiving if he showed up like that for work.

"Good morning, Matsumoto-kun!"

Jun heaves a deep sigh. Of course that of all people, they had to pick _him_ for _this_ photo shoot. "You? Seriously?"

The other man chuckles. "Yeah."

Jun wasn't all that enthusiastic when he was informed that the theme for this month's photo shoot would be weddings. He still accepted, thinking that it could be a good challenge.

Until he saw his surprise partner.

"Sakurai-san, would you come over here for a moment?"

When Sakurai leaves the room, Jun feels oddly relieved.

It's not that Jun hates Sakurai, although half of the people he knows seem to believe he does. Okay, maybe when they were younger Jun did a few things that could be misinterpreted as 'hate'; and he may or may not have gotten really drunk and said pretty horrible things about Sakurai one or two—actually five—times; and a video of it may or may not have leaked to national TV.

But he doesn't hate Sakurai. He just stopped idolizing him the moment he got that second piercing and started wearing fake jeans. Because… eww. How can anyone take that man seriously as a model when he struts around in those monstrosities? They're ugly, they look cheap, and they do nothing for his ass—and man, does Sakurai have a nice ass.

Also, they got very competitive with each other as years passed, and they may or may have not spent one night yelling at each other—after which Jun may or may not have cried himself dry and burned his collection of magazines where Sakurai appeared—but nobody needs to know that.

Things have gotten less hostile between them during the last few months, thank goodness. Mostly because Jun has _finally_ stopped accusing Sakurai of being an _envious little bitch_ every time they meet. Not that he doesn't believe it anymore, he just doesn't voice it.

"Ready?" Sakurai offers Jun his arm as they're about to enter the church. Yes, they're in an _actual_ church, not a set. Jun doesn't know whether the photographer is merely ignorant of what Christians think of two dudes marrying each other or is doing it on purpose, but Jun enjoys the blasphemy anyway. So, just for this time, he takes Sakurai's arm.

They end up having a great time. Sakurai even plays something for him on the church's piano.

"Umm… Matsumoto-kun…"

When Jun turns to see him, Sakurai is a little bit pink. "Yes?"

"I was wondering…"

"MATSUMOTO!"

The two of them turn towards the door. Their boss is there, and he's looking positively murderous. There's a crumpled newspaper in his left hand, which he throws in Jun's face as soon as he steps inside the dressing room.

In the first page, there's a picture of Jun.

Naked and tied to a dancing pole.

 

_Everything. Everything is going wrong._


	2. Chapter 2

_There is always the possibility…_

 

"Jun-chan…"

The moment Masaki enters his apartment, Jun throws himself in the man's arms. "There, there… it's okay, I'm here." A gentle hand caresses his back. Jun tucks his head under Masaki's chin, clenching his jaw in a last attempt to keep it together. It doesn't work, and soon he's sobbing, face buried in Masaki's chest. "It's okay," Masaki repeats, "let it out."

Jun is so angry that he can't even speak for a while. He just continues crying as Masaki holds him. In the background, he can listen to the sound coming from his TV. They're still reporting about his pictures—he knows because Masaki gasps for a second before resuming his caresses.

"Ugh…" Jun groans when he sees the image from the corner of his eye. They blurred his crotch, but everything else is pretty much visible. It's not the only picture, it seems. There's a several collection of them, even one that Ohno took when Jun had his mouth around the man's cock.

The TV screen goes black. Masaki drops the remote control on a low table and faces Jun with a worried expression. "I'm going to kill that bastard!" Jun says, tears still prickling at the corners of his eyes. "He won't get away with this!"

Masaki tugs on Jun's sleeve and makes him sit down. He doesn't say a word, only humming in response as Jun rants about his plans to get back at Ohno. His strong arms circle Jun's frame, and he rubs Jun's arm to soothe him. It eventually works.

"I just… I don't understand why he did this to me." Jun sighs. "I thought I could trust him."

"Are you sure he did it?"

"Who else could have done it? Only the two of us have those pictures, and I'm sure as hell it wasn't me who sent my own nudes to the tabloids!" Jun yells, making Masaki startle a little. "Sorry…" Jun sighs. "I didn't mean to yell."

"It's okay."

Jun wants to say that it's not, that it will never be now. The backlash won't be easy to handle. That movie he was filming might not get released, given that he was the leading actor. Maybe they'll cast someone else to replace him, but that will take some time. Just to think of how many people will be affected by it makes Jun's blood boil.

"Masaki…"

"Hmm?"

Jun bites his lip, hesitating to speak for a moment, until Masaki nudges him. He takes a deep breath. "Would you stay here tonight?" Jun's voice wavers. "I really don't want to be alone."

"Of course," Masaki says, a little smile curving his lips.

They head to Jun's room shortly after, and they lie side by side under the covers. Masaki drapes an arm around Jun's body, and suddenly everything feels alright, as if Jun's career wasn't falling apart and there was absolutely nothing to worry about.

He can believe it as Masaki's warmth lulls him to sleep.

Like in the old days.  
  
  
  


* * *

"I think I finally get it."

Masaki turned on his side to look at Jun with a confused expression. "You finally get what?"

"I finally know why your dog hates me so much," Jun continued as he leaned his head on Masaki's naked chest. "I think it's because he doesn't get to sleep in your bed when I'm here."

Masaki laughed at him. "Aww, it's not like that!" he cooed. "Kuu-chan has hated you since way before you started sharing my bed, Jun-chan."

Jun smacked Masaki's head. He received a kiss in response.

He slept like a baby that night.  


* * *

  
  
  
When Jun wakes up, Masaki is no longer in his bed.

"He's alright. I spent the night here with him, to keep him company. He was devastated…"

Jun feels relieved when he hears Masaki's voice. He follows the sound, and finds Masaki in the living room, talking on his phone.

"Yes, I know you want to talk to him, but I'm not sure if he's in the mood for that. I don't think he has checked his phone yet. You're surely not the only one who called him yesterday." Masaki rolls his eyes—something he hardly ever does in person, so Jun guesses he must be pretty annoyed. "He'll call you when he feels better, okay? I'll keep you updated…" Masaki sighs. "Aren't you going to be late for work? Get out of your apartment, now. And stop checking those gossip sites, they're nothing but rubbish. Okay. Bye. Yes, I will call you later, now hang up! Bye!"

When Masaki turns, he looks surprised for a moment, then he beams at Jun. "Good morning!" he says cheerfully.

"Who was that on the phone?"

"It was Sho-chan. He's been pretty worried about you since yesterday." Noticing Jun's confusion, Masaki elaborates. "He was the one who told me what happened," he explains. "He begged me to let him come with me to see you, but I figured you wouldn't want him here."

"He did?" Jun arches an eyebrow at him. Well, that was new. Sakurai usually didn't show any sign of caring about Jun. "Ah… maybe it's because he was there when the boss arrived."

"Oh, was he?"

"Yeah, we had a photo shoot together, didn't he tell you?"

"He didn't!" Masaki says. "What kind of photo shoot was it?"

"The theme was a wedding. We went to a real church," Jun mumbles. "It doesn't matter anymore though. I doubt it will get printed after… you know."

"Ah, that's too bad! It sounds like an interesting theme!"

"Yeah, well…" Jun sighs. "I hope Sakurai won't be too mad at me for ruining it. You know how he gets when someone screws up at work."

"I'm sure he won't," Masaki says, patting Jun's back reassuringly. "So… what are you doing today? Going to stay home?"

Jun snorts. "I wish." He lets out another deep sigh. "I have to go to the agency. Apparently, they'll decide what to do with me in today's meeting."

"Oh…" Masaki nods. "Want to have breakfast before you leave?"

"Sure."

They don't say much after that. It isn't awkward at all though. Masaki's presence is so soothing that Jun feels comfortable just by sitting next to him. Jun tries to make the moment last as much as he can. He has the feeling that he won't have such a peaceful moment again in the near future.

They part ways when they're outside. "Good luck," Masaki says and gives him a goodbye hug.  
Jun climbs in the car waiting for him.

The paparazzi rush to their van once he's gone.

 

_…that everything will get worse._

 

The meeting goes terribly, just as Jun expected.

All the years that Jun has worked his ass off to get where he is, making a shitload of money for the higher-ups, seem to be worth nothing. To think that just a week ago the same people using derogatory words to his face were praising him for his "splendid performance" during his latest filming, and planning a party for the whole cast when the movie was announced.

"You are holding a press conference next week, once we sort all this shit out. Now leave."

They slam the door to his face.

 

_Is everything alright? I heard you crying last night._

_-Nino_

 

Jun sits on the couch, glaring at the note he found when he returned home that afternoon.

The first time Nino left a note, saying that he listened to what Jun did in his apartment, it felt good. It was exciting, arousing even. It made Jun want to keep making Nino listen to him.

Now, that Nino heard him crying (and not out of pleasure), the effect is the complete opposite. Jun wishes the walls around him were so thick that no sound could be heard outside.

He locks himself in his room after shoving the note into the garbage.

 

He doesn't leave his room during the next three days.

 

"Have you slept at all these days?"

"…"

"You need to rest."

"I'm fine."

"You are definitely _not._ Come here, we'll go to your bed."

"But…"

"I'm not asking if you want to. You _are_ coming to bed right now."

"I said I'm fine!"

"And I say that's bullshit, Jun!"

 

Jun hates to admit it, but Masaki is right.

He's not okay.

And it's not just about his job, no. Honestly, losing his career is the least of his worries at the moment. It's the lingering sense of betrayal that has kept him awake at night. Ohno, his boss, the people he's been working with during the last few months, all of them have abandoned him now that he's of no use to them. So far he hasn't even gotten a text from Ohno, and the higher-ups at the agency haven't communicated with him since that meeting. His schedule, which was updated by his manager just yesterday, shows that all his activities have been cancelled, except for that press conference programmed for Monday morning. He has four days to memorize the speech his boss wants him to give in front of the cameras. A staged press conference will be his last contact with the public. It's so humiliating.

Forced by Masaki, he sends e-mails to the people who have called or left messages in his inbox lately, even to Sakurai Sho. To his surprise, Sakurai is the first one to reply, barely a couple of minutes after Jun mailed him. _If you need anything, please let me know,_ his short response reads. Considering his situation, Jun might even take him up in the offer someday. _Thanks, I'll keep it in mind,_ he sends back.

Breaking the tradition, Jun decides to leave a note for Nino. _Thanks for your concern. I'm doing fine, just a little situation at work that got a bit out of hand. I'd say it's under control now, so don't worry._ It's a lie, but Nino will never find out, so Jun doesn't think it's wrong of him to say it. Nino's reply comes a few hours later. _Good luck,_ it says. That's enough for Jun to be satisfied.

At night, he gets a call from Masaki. They talk until they both fall asleep.

It is on Friday morning when the situation takes an unexpected turn for the worse. _HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS?_ The text from Mao-chan alarms him immediately. She never uses caps, so Jun turns on his TV right away.

"No, no… NO!"

Paired with his recent leaked pictures there are some old ones, from the time he and Masaki were dating. There's also footage of Masaki leaving his apartment building, and giving him a hug as they say their goodbyes.

Jun rushes to the parking lot as fast as his legs can take him and drives straight to the daycare.  
He finds Masaki sniffling on the sidewalk, holding a box with his belongings.  
  
  
  


* * *

"I'm getting promoted."

Jun's jaw dropped as soon as the words left Masaki's mouth. "For real?"

"Yes!" Masaki giggled. "The head teacher is retiring in spring, and she recommended me personally to take over her position when she leaves."

"Didn't she hate your guts?"

"I thought so too! Apparently, she thinks I'd be good at it!" Masaki replied. "The director agreed with it already. It's only a matter of waiting now!"

"Well, congratulations!" Jun hugged him. "I'm so proud of you!"

"I hope I'll be able to do a good job…" Masaki mumbled.

"You'll do great. Just wait and see."  


* * *

  
  
  
"Masaki…"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Jun sighs. He keeps driving, until they arrive to Masaki's place. He has barely parked the car when Masaki opens the door. "Don't follow me, please," he says. "I need some alone time right now."

Jun has no choice but to comply.

 

_Matsumoto Jun cheating on Inoue Mao with a preschool teacher._

To cheat, we would have to be in a relationship first, you idiots.

_Is this man the reason why stars Matsumoto Jun and Inoue Mao's wedding plans never succeeded?_

Which plans? The ones in your head?

_Matsumoto Jun, bisexual?_

Homosexual is more like it.

_Would you let this man be near your little children?_

Masaki isn't even the one in the sex pictures! And he's a terrific teacher!

_Fans brokenhearted about leaked pictures of Matsumoto Jun's shady sexual affairs._

Oh, give me a fucking break.

Jun turns off the TV.

 

Monday arrives, and Jun is not ready.

His boss was so pissed after the new pictures leaked on Friday morning, that Jun thought the man was going to bite his head off—and not just figuratively speaking.

There are more and more messages accumulating in his inbox.

Masaki hasn't called.

 

His hands are shaking. He can barely lift the microphone to start his speech, the lines he's carefully memorized since a week ago. He can't mess this up. The agency might consider to stop covering for him if he makes another _mistake._

He lowers his head in front of the cameras, after muttering his _heartfelt_ apology to all of his _loyal_ followers for the _distress_ his behavior could have caused them, like _they_ are the ones suffering at the moment.

Then he leaves, without saying another word.

His _break_ —suspension—starts tomorrow.

He has a feeling that it'll be _permanent._

 

Jun's manager is in the green room when he comes back. She has Jun's phone in her hands. "What are you doing?" Jun says. She startles and drops the device.

The screen shows a confirmation message for a mail. Jun checks the sent folder. His eyes widen when he sees the content.

The woman is already gone when he looks up. She never returns.

The higher-ups are shocked once Jun shows them the proof. They can't locate the woman—turns out her personal information was false. Nobody can tell how she got the job in the first place.

Chaos ensues.

 

The next few weeks are hell on earth for everyone at the agency.

All managers are suspended, even the ones who have worked with them for years. The whole human resources department is notified that if the people who helped that woman get the position as Jun's manager don't come clean, all of them will be held accountable for the incident and, therefore, will lose their jobs and face legal actions. Two days later, a young man admits that he accepted the documents, despite knowing that they were fraudulent, under the human resources director's orders. It is discovered that there are at least ten people who were also involved. They are fired immediately. The agency files a lawsuit against them.

During the investigation, at least thirty more people, including managers and other staff members, are fired after their ties to tabloids and other media outlets are revealed. Their employers settle the cases out of court. After that, nobody mentions Jun's 'scandal' ever again. Whatever threats Jun's boss used against them must have been pretty effective. The old man has been in the industry for decades, he probably knows everyone's dirty laundry. This is one of those rare moments in which Jun is grateful for it rather than scared.

Jun has the chance to interact with some of the other talents during that time. Some of the younger ones seem wary of approaching him, probably out of fear that being associated with Jun could affect them negatively—which is silly, but whatever. The older ones, who have known Jun for years, don't give that 'scandal' much importance. They are too worried about what's going on with the agency and the possible violations to their privacy to think about anything else.

The director from the movie Jun was filming refused to replace Jun with any other actor, so Jun has to record the final scenes. Against all odds, his photo shoot with Sakurai is included in a magazine. Jun should feel glad about it, yet he doesn't. He can tell that the audience's reactions won't be very positive.

His schedule after finishing with the movie is clear. He spends most of the day at home, sitting in the veranda accompanied by a mug of tea. He meets with his friends occasionally, when they're not too busy. They are quite supportive, even though the revelations about Jun's private life took most of them by surprise when the tabloids first came out.

Most of Jun's time is spent in solitude though. He prefers to keep it that way.

Masaki hasn't contacted him since the last time. Neither has Nino, although Jun can hear him playing video games most nights. It's interesting how their roles have reversed in a matter of weeks. As for Ohno, the man seems to have vanished. Perhaps he's abroad already and hasn't heard about the leaks. In any case, Jun thinks it's probably for the best.

Life is far from ideal at the moment.

He has to keep going, somehow.

 

Wikipedia has become Jun's favorite website lately. He used to love checking social media to see what people were saying about him. Now he despises it. The day he accidentally stumbled upon a hate hashtag against him, he deactivated his accounts on Twitter and Instagram. Thank goodness his 'fans' never knew his username, or his mentions would have been flooding with insults and death threats.

Therefore, most of his online time is now devoted to reading about whatever topic comes to mind. On Monday, it was clocks. He spent at least three hours searching for antique clocks on several shopping websites, and bought a very nice one from an online antique store—along with another few vintage things that will look perfect in his living room.

Yesterday, it was bonsai trees. He was so fascinated that he decided to buy one for himself, which is why he is going to that plant nursery everyone in the Tokyo Bonsai Society Forum was talking about. It also happens to be conveniently close to his apartment.

On the way, Jun comes across a crepe shop. He isn't particularly craving anything sweet at the moment, yet he stops in front of the door when he sees the guy at the counter.

It's Masaki.

Jun's heart goes frantic. How long has it been since the last time he saw Masaki face to face? Masaki looks thinner than before. It could be the new hairstyle, Jun thinks. Short hair suits him, but he usually lets it grow until it reaches his shoulders. He looks as beautiful as ever. Somehow, seeing him again makes Jun feel a little bit relieved.

"Hey…"

Jun blinks. Masaki is staring right back at him, an amused smile curving his full lips. "Are you coming in or what?" he asks with a little laugh. Jun rolls his eyes at him and walks to the counter. "Alright, what can I give you?" Masaki beams at him.

"I… I want to talk to you…" Jun mumbles.

Masaki's smile fades a little. "I see," he nods.

"Can we…?"

"Give me five minutes. I'll meet you outside."

With that, Masaki goes back to work. Jun drags his feet outside of the crepe shop and stands in front of the door for a while, not knowing what to do with himself. Some minutes later, someone taps on his shoulder.

"Let's go over there," Masaki says, pointing with his chin at a little playground not far from there.

They sit on a bench, looking in direction to the crepe shop. Masaki takes two crepes out of a plastic bag and hands one to Jun. "I made these ones myself," he says with a grin. "I'm not an expert yet, but I think I've gotten way better than I was at the beginning."

Jun takes a tentative bite. "It's very sweet," he comments before taking a bigger one.

"I invented this recipe myself. It's called the 'Super Funktastic Strawberry Aibanana & Cream Deluxe'!"

Jun chokes on his crepe. "Aibanana?" He arches an eyebrow at Masaki.

"The best banana." Masaki tries to wink, and fails as usual. Jun just shakes his head. "The boss liked it, so they included it on the menu. They didn't keep the name though, because it was 'too long'."

"I can see that." Jun chuckles. "So… a crepe shop…"

Masaki nods. "Kazama-kun works there, and he told me that there was an opening. I've been working here for almost a month now."

Jun stops himself right before he says 'why didn't you look for a job in another daycare?'. It would have been stupid, knowing that he _is_ the cause why Masaki will probably not be able to find another job in his profession for a long time. "Eh…" Jun hums. "This Kazama-kun is the one you invited to my birthday party last year?"

"Yeah."

Neither of them says anything else for a while. Jun finishes his crepe and waits for Masaki to continue their conversation. He eventually decides to speak up first.

"I'm sorry. I ruined your life."

Masaki turns towards him with a frown. "What?"

"I ruined it, didn't I?"

Masaki laughs. "You did not, silly."

"But your job…"

"There's more to life than just a job, Jun-chan. At least for non-workaholics like me."

"But..."

Masaki lifts a hand. "Stop. There's nothing to apologize for," he says with a gentle smile. "And I'm happy at my new job! Crepe shops are fun!"

"I still feel bad anyway." Jun lowers his head. He hears Masaki sigh before he is pulled into a hug. With his head under Masaki's chin, he inhales deeply. Masaki smells like cream and chocolate. It's oddly comforting. It suits him, in a way.

"Come to visit me one of these days," Masaki says. "We could take Kuu-chan to the park or something, if you want to."

"I'd love to," Jun replies.

"I'll see you, then."

Masaki waves at him from the sidewalk before going back inside the shop. Jun stays in his spot for a while, watching him. He isn't convinced that Masaki is doing as well as he claims to be doing, but he'll have to trust his word for now. He's glad that at least he got to see Masaki again. The invitation to visit him soon improves Jun's mood greatly.

After that, he heads to the plant nursery. They have a few pre-bonsai trees, and Jun can't really decide on one. He was thinking of getting a sakura one, but there wasn't any available. He ends up taking home a beautiful ficus, along with all the supplies he will need to take good care of it.

"How should I call you?" Jun paces around the table where he placed his tree. He doesn't know if people usually give names to their bonsai, but he wants to do it. He feels it will create a deeper bond between him and the plant in the long run.

Jun names _him_ Matsu. He can't wait to introduce _him_ to Masaki.

 

"So…"

"So?"

"What do you think?"

"It's a nice tree."

" _He_ is."

"He?"

"Yes, _he_. I named him Matsu."

"…"

"What?"

"Isn't it weird to name a tree?"

"Is it?"

"I've never seen anybody do it."

"But then how will I call him when we talk?"

"You talk to it?"

"Of course! Plants are living beings, you know? The guys at the forum say that talking to them can make them grow healthier! Playing music for them is also good! I play some classical every morning for Matsu while I groom him!"

"Jun-chan…"

"Yes?"

"You need to go out more."

 

There are so many things that he could do with his free time, besides taking care of his baby bonsai. He could take a trip, like he said he would two years ago and never did—although he would have to find someone to babysit Matsu for him, and that doesn't seem like an option right now. He could visit his parents… no, that wouldn't be a good idea. If what his sister told him is true, he'd better never go back to his hometown or it won't be a cardboard Jun that ends up in a garbage bag with his head split in two. He should probably reply to the hundred-something messages in his inbox, let everyone know that he's alright.

Instead, what does he do?

He goes to see Masaki. Every single day. Regular customers must be starting to think that he's a stalker—not that it'd be inaccurate, since Masaki has no idea that Jun's been watching him all this time.

He can't help it. Sometimes he tells himself that he's just going to take a stroll, that he won't even go to that zone. Yet his feet take him there before he can notice. It's an obsession. He _needs_ to know that Masaki is doing well, that he didn't just pretend to be okay to spare Jun's feelings. The guilt that is eating Jun up can only be temporarily appeased when he sees Masaki's smiling face.

Even during hard times, Aiba Masaki's smile is as bright as the sun.

Masaki didn't lie about enjoying himself at the crepe shop. He talks animatedly to the customers and to his co-workers as he fills and rolls crepe after crepe. One last smile as he hands the finished treat to the expecting customer, paired with one of his failed attempts at winking, is enough to send them into a peal of giggles while they say their goodbyes. "Come back soon!" Masaki says, and the reply is always "yes."

For a while, Jun is convinced that it isn't that bad. _For a while._

Masaki is wiping the counter when a group of grade-schoolers bursts into the shop, circling a young man whom they affectionately call _sensei._ "Ten strawberry crepes, please," the young man says, trying to keep the children under control. He manages to make them form a line while they wait for their order.

"Coming right up!" Masaki chirps, getting to work immediately. He's as cheerful as usual, humming a tune that he probably picked up from an anime show. "There you go!"

There's a wistful, almost pained expression on his face while he observes the merry group going out of the shop. He waves at them, plastering a smile on his face to keep himself from showing too much what he feels. It fades as soon as they're out of his visual range.

By the time the next customer comes in, Masaki has schooled his features, looking calm and friendly as usual. "Welcome!" he says.

Jun's heart aches.

 

_I ruined it. I did._

 

"What are you doing here?"

It's late at night when Masaki finds him, sitting on a bench. Jun opens his mouth to speak, and closes it immediately when no words come out.

Masaki sighs, sounding a bit exasperated. "Come on, let me walk you home."

Neither of them utters a word for a while. Jun knows that if he tries to speak, he'll most likely end up sputtering another apology, and Masaki wouldn't want to hear that. As for Masaki's silence, Jun doesn't know what to make of it. It's making him nervous, for some reason. He steals a glance at Masaki's face from the corner of his eye. There isn't anything in Masaki's countenance that could tell Jun whether he's in a good or a bad mood. For someone who usually wears his heart on his sleeve, Masaki has become rather difficult to read lately. It's driving Jun crazy.

"Masaki…"

There's a sigh coming from Jun's right. "Don't," Masaki says. His tone is firm. He must be tired of having the same conversation every time they meet.

Jun continues dragging his feet, his eyes focused on his shoes. He's biting his lip. Anything to stop himself from irritating Masaki any further or, worse, crying in the middle of the street. He almost jumps when a warm hand pulls his, slender fingers lacing with his.

"You know," Masaki starts, "I've been thinking of opening my own crepe shop."

That makes Jun look up again. Masaki is grinning at him, looking as excited as he did back when he told Jun that he'd be getting a promotion at the daycare. Jun winces at the memory. "Ah, is that so?" he mumbles.

Masaki nods. "You know that old man who has a crepe truck, the one who's usually around your place? Well, he's going back to his hometown, so he's selling it. I'm going to buy it."

Jun's eyes widen. "Seriously?"

"I already talked to him a few days ago and made an offer. He says it's less than what he wanted to get, so he has to think about it," Masaki replies with a smile. "Is it awful of me to hope nobody offers more than me?"

"A little bit," Jun says, making Masaki laugh in response.

The merry conversation goes on without interruption until they reach the park. As Masaki is showing him the perfect spot where he wants to park his crepe truck once he has it, a shadow moves from behind a tree.

They have very little time to react.

Jun finds himself on the ground after Masaki pushes him out of the way. Then he hears a shriek, after which Masaki falls to his knees, hands pressing on his abdomen. The person who attacked them is standing mere centimeters away from them, frozen in their place.

There's something in their right hand. It glints under the moonlight.

When Jun touches Masaki's body, his hand gets stained.

"M-Masaki… Masaki! MASAKI!"

His screams attract a few passersby, which immediately rush to their aid. One of them whips out a phone and calls an ambulance immediately, while the others alert the police and make sure that the attacker doesn't escape. "Hang in there!" one of them, a woman, says. The crowd gathering on the other side of the street grows with each second. Two policemen who happened to be in the area take control of the situation.

The attacker is still in the same spot, dazed. It turns out to be a woman, probably in her early or mid twenties. She's wearing blue jeans, sneakers, a baseball cap, and a purple hoodie. There are no visible tattoos or piercings, and her hair isn't dyed. She looks like a regular girl, not a delinquent.

Yet she's holding a bloody knife in her hand.

When Jun's eyes meet hers, a shiver runs down his spine. She's staring at him with so much hatred, as if Jun was her personal enemy. They don't know each other though. Jun is pretty sure that he's never seen her before. He's almost certain that she intended to stab _him_ , not Masaki. But why? What could he have done to deserve that?

He has no time to dwell on it. Masaki needs help, quick.

"It's okay," Jun says in Masaki's ear, hoping that he sounds reassuring enough. "You will be okay. We just… we have to wait until the ambulance comes. Then they will help you out, and everything will be fine."

Masaki nods in response. He reaches for Jun's face, and wipes a tear from the corner of Jun's eye. Jun hadn't even noticed that he was crying. He feels a bit ashamed. 

"Jun-chan…"

For the first time, Jun doesn't mind the nickname. "Y-Yes?" he stutters, hands pressing on Masaki's wound to stop the bleeding. It isn't very effective, but he's doing his best.

Masaki stares right into his eyes. He doesn't seem nervous or scared. He doesn't let the pain show on his face. _How does he do that_ , Jun wonders. If it was him, he wouldn't be able to keep calm. Masaki hasn't even shed a tear. He's always been the stronger one, even if his gentleness often gets mistaken as weakness.

A trembling hand runs softly through Jun's hair. "I love you, Jun-chan. I always have, you know?" Masaki tries to laugh, but then he winces.

Jun nods frantically. "I know, I know," he kisses Masaki's temple. "I love you too."

Masaki smiles. His fingers brush Jun's cheek one last time as his eyes close.

An ambulance stops in front of them. One of the paramedics checks Masaki's pulse, and then shakes his head.

Jun remembers screaming. Everything else is a big blur.

 

_Without sunshine, there's only darkness._


	3. Chapter 3

_Light, light, where's the light?  
Someone please bring it back._

 

There's a green rose in his hand. It took him a long time to find it, but he didn't want to show up with a white one.

It's the exact shade of green that Masaki favors for his clothing.

The color of the scarf he was wearing on _that_ night.  
  
  


* * *

When Jun opened his eyes, he was in a white room. "Where am I?" he said aloud. His voice came out funny. His throat hurt.

He remembered screaming.

The park.

Masaki!

"MASAKI!" Jun yelled. He rushed out of the room. "MASAKI! MASAKI! MASAKI!"

A woman clad in blue scrubs came in his aid. "Matsumoto-san!"

"Where is Masaki? He was with me. He needs help. Where is he?"

The woman's face went somber.

She guided Jun to a chilly room. There was someone lying on a table, covered by a sheet. The woman pulled it down.

"Masaki…"

Jun broke in tears.  


* * *

  
  
Jun is wearing Masaki's scarf. The nurse gave it to him when they were in the morgue. She wasn't supposed to let him keep it, since the hospital had to hand all of Masaki's personal effects to his family. Perhaps she just let Jun have it out of pity.

When he enters the room where they're holding Masaki's funeral, everyone turns to look at him. They whisper behind their hands, as if Jun couldn't see them. Suddenly, a young man stands up and walks straight towards Jun.

"Get out. You're not welcome here," he says. His eyes are so cold when they meet Jun's that a shiver goes down Jun's spine. "This is your fault! If it wasn't for you, my brother…" The young man's voice cracks. He clenches his jaw and continues glaring at Jun. "Go away, Matsumoto."

Now everyone is looking at them. They seem furious, and Jun suddenly feels so small. It was a bad idea to come. The voices around him get louder. "Yes, it's him! He's the guy who got Masaki killed! He's the culprit!" The room is spinning. It's so dark, so dark. Jun wants to move, but he can't. He opens his mouth to defend himself, and no sound comes out. Something hot burns behind his eyes, and then slides down his face leaving a wet path behind.

"Let him stay," a voice says. The young man, Masaki's brother, is about to protest when the voice speaks again. "It's not his fault, Yusuke, and you know it. He would have never wanted this to happen."

An arm wraps around Jun's shoulder. "Come with me, Matsumoto-kun." Jun thinks he sees the owner of the voice smile a little bit. He isn't sure, for his vision is still failing him. He lets himself be guided somewhere else, and sits when the voice tells him to.

He can't stop crying the entire time.

When the ceremony is over, the guests are allowed to place their flowers around Masaki's head. Jun is shaking as he approaches the casket. He is in a cold sweat, and if it wasn't for that arm holding him, he would have already fainted.

"It's alright," the voice says. Jun disagrees. It's the last time he'll see the only person he's ever loved, and probably the only one who loved him as well, how can it be alright? "It's alright," the voice repeats. Then the arm is gone, and Jun is gently pushed forward to face the casket.

Masaki looks so peaceful, as if he was sleeping. Jun wants to reach out and touch him, but he doesn't know if he's allowed. He decides not to push his luck and simply puts his green rose next to the other flowers. "Goodbye," he whispers, and bows to Masaki.

The arm wraps around him again. "Let's go."

Jun casts a quick glance in Masaki's direction. He can't believe that this is it.

Someone closes the casket.

A part of Jun dies in that very moment.

 

When Jun wakes up, he finds himself in an unknown room for the second time that week. It doesn't look like a hospital's room though. The walls are cream-colored, and the bed is way bigger than the ones they have at the ER. There's an opened closet, which is mostly empty because whoever lives here seems to have a tendency to throw their clothes all over the room. It's a man, judging by the amount of ties stacked neatly in an organizer and the collection of designer watches displayed right next to it. Jun chuckles, thinking of his own closet. It isn't in such a tragic state as this one, but more often than not the only items in perfect order are his jewelry and accessories. The owner of this room must be at least a bit similar to him.

He continues looking around. There's a laptop on the desk, several old newspapers, books that seemingly haven't been touched by their owner in a while, a few candy wrappers, and a bag with the logo of that crepe shop where Masaki used to work.

Masaki…

Jun frowns. Why is this here? Does the person who lives here know Masaki? And if so, who is he?

_Ah… that guy…_

Jun can barely remember Masaki's funeral. He knows that he bought a green rose, and that he was wearing Masaki's favorite scarf when he went there. There was someone who told him to leave, that he wasn't welcome. And then that guy appeared. He defended Jun and stayed by his side. He let Jun cry in his arms after they left until Jun fell asleep.

Somehow Jun doesn't seem to remember his face. Maybe he didn't look at it, or maybe he just forgot. The last few days he's been unable to keep a good track of everything that happens. He isn't sure if he should feel alarmed about that.

In any case, he's grateful to that guy, whoever he is.

Determined to find out his identity and thank him for his help, Jun goes out of the room. He tiptoes his way to the living room, heart racing in anticipation. His lips curl in a grin when he sees someone sleeping on the couch.

His eyes widen in horror when he sees the man's face.

Out of all the people in the world, of course it had to be Sakurai Sho. Whatever good feelings Jun had when he woke up are replaced by a deep shame. He won't ever be able to look at Sakurai in the eye after what happened yesterday.

Which is why he needs to leave, now.

Trying to keep the noise to a minimum, Jun grabs his shoes and his coat. He closes the door behind him and walks away.

A cab takes him directly to his apartment complex. Once the door is closed, Jun let out a sigh of relief.

Then he panics when he realizes that he doesn't have Masaki's scarf around his neck anymore.  
  
  
  


* * *

"That thing is so ugly."

Masaki turned to look at him with narrowed eyes, holding the scarf he had decided to buy after searching during almost an hour. "It is _not_!" he replied.

"It is!" Jun insisted, taking the offending item in his own hands. Okay, he had to admit that it was very soft and comfy and that he kind of wanted to wrap it around his own neck… just a little bit. "What's with that color anyway? It's so… _green_."

Masaki snatched the scarf away from him and walked towards the counter to pay for it. "It's bright and lively, unlike _someone_ else's clothes."

Jun's eyes widened. "Excuse me?"

Masaki looked at him over his shoulder with a smirk. "Like you heard, Mr. 'I only wear things that are as dark as my soul'."

"Hey! Not all my clothes are black!" Jun whined. "There are lots of _neutrals_ in my closet, but not all of them are black. They're easier to accessorize and they combine with almost anything. Besides, I choose what I wear by _feeling_ , not by color."

Even with his back turned on Jun, it was evident that Masaki was laughing at him. When he turned, he had a little bag with his scarf and the receipt in his hands. "So most of the time your 'feeling' just happens to guide you to buy all the black clothes in the mall?"

"My clothes aren't just black, I just pick…!"

"Yes, yes, _neutrals_." Masaki shook his head. "Jun-chan, you know I love you, but neutral tones aren't fun. You ought to take more risks every once in a while!"

"I'm okay with taking fashion risks! I just choose carefully which ones I'm going to take."  
Masaki burst out laughing. "Then it isn't a risk!"

"It is if I don't know how people will react to it."

"Ah, Jun-chan…" Masaki patted Jun's back. "You care about opinions too much."

"I don't!"

"You do. We both know it," Masaki interrupted him. "And that's alright, really, I mean… your modeling career is just taking off, so you have to pay attention to what you wear, but you don't need to look perfect all the time. You should have more fun!"

Jun sighed. Certainly, sometimes he viewed picking an outfit as a task, one that caused him a great deal of stress. He loved shopping, yet most of the things he bought remained unused in his closet, piling up and taking space because he wasn't brave enough to wear them. As a model, he only had his image to present himself to society. He would much rather settle for what Masaki dismissed as boring clothes than making a fashion faux pas.

"You know… I might just do that one of these days…"

"There's nothing to lose, Jun-chan!"

And so Jun did. He started wearing more 'risky' clothes.

He made it to a few "what were they thinking?" lists that year. He blamed it fully on Masaki.

Masaki just laughed it off.  


* * *

  
  
  
Sakurai has called him twice since he got home. Jun doesn't answer the phone. He doesn't want to deal with whatever Sakurai wants to say, not when there are more important matters at hand.

He searches all over his apartment, even if it's futile. The scarf isn't there. Why would it be? It must be at Sakurai's place, if he didn't lose it somewhere else.

"Maybe I should just ask him," Jun considers for a moment, eyeing his phone. Then he is reminded of what happened the previous day, and decides against it. If he talks to Sakurai, then they might have to meet again, and Jun would rather not do that. He's not mentally ready to face Sakurai at the moment. He needs some time.

As his phone continues ringing in the background, he rummages in his closet, looking for… he honestly doesn't know what he's trying to find anymore, but he just keeps going. There's a pile of clothes forming around him. Any other day, he would care.

Not today.

Today he needs to do this. He needs to find a proof that Masaki was once here. If he can't, he'll probably go crazy. A part of him tells him that he's _already_ acting crazy, yet Jun just ignores it. He curses every time he empties a drawer and is unable to find anything.

"There must be something in here," he says aloud. "I know there must be!"

At last, in a dark corner of his closet, he finds a ridiculous floral print shirt that once belonged to Masaki, the one he used to wear with those tight light purple pants back during his self-proclaimed 'Disco Star' phase. He isn't even sure if those are flowers or not. There are too many colors all over the fabric, so he can't make out the shapes accurately. To this day, he also doesn't understand very well what the heck a 'Disco Star' is supposed to be. He remembers that Masaki danced around in those obnoxious clothes, doing some wicked hip rolls that made Jun want to fuck him on the spot, spectators be damned. He didn't actually dance any disco music though.

It's all irrelevant now. Jun giggles as he puts on the shirt. It smells musty and it's a little too tight for Jun's broader shoulders, but he feels warm and calm once it is wrapping him as if by having that piece of clothing with him he could have a little bit of Masaki back.

When he looks around himself, he can't help but laughing at the mess he made. "Look at all these clothes…" he shakes his head. Then he laughs again after realizing that Masaki _did_ manage to make him start wearing more colorful things in the end, instead of sticking to the neutral tones he favored back when they met.

And then he cries, for no reason in particular. He lies on top of the scattered clothes in fetal position, sobbing until sleep claims him.

 

_Life goes on._  
It does, doesn't it?  
It always does. 

 

One week.

Somehow, he made it. He has lived one week without Masaki.

He hasn't combed his hair since the day he went to the funeral.

He can't remember when he took a shower for the last time.

He has been wearing the same pajamas since five or four days ago.

He had biscuits and some tea for breakfast… yesterday?

His phone has been dead since that afternoon Sakurai kept calling him. His voicemail must be full.

Poor Matsu now has an oddly shaped branch because of his trembling hands.

And today he woke up screaming after a nightmare. _Again._

 

The face, _that_ face, he can't forget it.

Every time his eyes close, it is there, looking down at him with a sneer.

The hatred, the contempt…

He wants to protect Masaki, to keep him safe from that creature shrouded in darkness, but he can't.

It is always Masaki who sees it first and pushes him away from the danger.

It is always Masaki's blood which pools in the cold pavement.

Jun screams. He screams until his voice is raw and his eyes grow tired of producing tears.

Masaki's lifeless form is the last thing he sees before waking up.

 

Jun is fine. That's what he keeps telling himself every time he wakes up.

He's fine.

He turns on the stereo and plays some classic music for Matsu. It's Vivaldi today.

The doorbell ring, and Jun curses. Who can it be? As far as he knows, ever since the agency assigned his former manager to someone else, nobody is authorized to come upstairs to his apartment without prior notice.

"That fucking security guard better not have let some stranger come upstairs," Jun grumbles as he walks towards the door.

When he opens, he finds a short man standing there. "Who are you?" he asks. It's probably rude to talk like that to someone he's meeting for the first time, but he is in no mood to entertain strangers.

"My name is Ninomiya Kazunari," the man says with a grin. "I live next door."

Ninomiya… _Nino!_ Jun feels the heat rushing to his cheeks. _Oh, this is so embarrassing,_ he thinks as he remembers his dirty pajamas and his terrible bed hair. "Ah… n-nice to meet you," Jun stutters, giving Ninomiya what he hopes is a convincing smile. "I'm sorry, did I wake you with the music?"

"No, not at all," Nino replies, still smiling at Jun. "Actually, I just came back home. I heard the music and thought that maybe I could drop by to say hello."

"Oh…" Jun nods dumbly. Somehow that doesn't sound like something Nino would do. Then again, Jun knows nothing of the man, aside from his love for video games and that he likes how Jun sounds when he's having sex.

"May I come in? It's a bit cold out here," Nino asks, looking slightly nervous for a second.

"Ah, sure…"

Jun moves aside to let Nino come in. It's strange to see someone else in his living room after all the time he's spent alone lately. The last time someone came over was when Masaki was teaching him how to make crepes and they made a mess in his kitchen. Jun shakes the thought off his mind as soon as it comes.

"Wow… this is interesting…"

When Jun turns, Nino is standing in front of the dancing poles in his living room. "Ah, t-that…"

"This explains _a lot_." Nino laughs. "Are you a stripper or something?"

Jun blinks. Nino doesn't know who he is? It's somewhat relieving—and also somewhat _insulting_ , a little part of him thinks. "Or something," Jun replies. "I… I played a stripper in a movie. Recordings ended almost a month and a half ago."

"That's why there's no more club music blaring in the middle of the night!" Nino's face lights up. "I would have never pegged you for someone who likes classical music though. It's a drastic change."

"It is, yeah." Jun chuckles.

Eh. How long has it been since he chuckled? The sound of his own laughter appears a bit foreign to his ears.

"That's Vivaldi, right?"

"Eh? Ah… umm… yes," Jun replies with a nod. "You know about classical music?"

"Little bit," Nino says. He sets a plastic bag on Jun's coffee table and starts taking some things out of it. _Food_ , Jun sighs at the glorious smell of bread and freshly brewed coffee. "Took piano lessons when I was in school. I still play sometimes, when I'm not busy."

"Hmm…" Jun nods, far more interested in the food Nino brought than in the man's words. His stomach is grumbling, and Jun hopes the noise isn't too loud.

"I could show you sometime if you want," Nino continues. He takes a curry bread out from a paper bag and munches on it. Jun bites the inside of his cheek to avoid making any sound. The bread truly smells delicious.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, where are my manners?" Nino laughs, covering his mouth with a hand. "You want some? I think there's enough for the two of us…"

"N-No, thanks, it's…"

"Here," Nino says and puts a bread in Jun's open palm. "Want some coffee? I got an extra one because there's this 'Happy Hour' thing now at the coffee shop."

Jun doesn't even get a chance to refuse before Nino hands him the cup. He sips a bit of coffee and sighs. It tastes just perfect –he might need to ask Nino where he got it. When he takes his first bite of the curry bread, he almost moans. He devours it in just a few more bites. His stomach grumbles noisily.

"Ah… I-I…" Jun blushes. Way to go.

To his surprise, Nino just laughs and hands him another bread. "I bought more than I can eat anyway. You can have the rest, if you want to." Jun wants to tell him that no, he cannot take Nino's food, but once he starts eating he forgets all pretense of not wanting the food. Nino doesn't make a comment on it, which Jun is thankful for.

"So… I believe you still haven't told me your name," Nino says. He laughs when Jun turns towards him with his mouth full of bread and stuffed cheeks.

Jun swallows quickly, hiding his embarrassment behind a serious look. "I'm Matsumoto Jun."

"Hmm… Jun-pon, then," Nino says with a grin.

Jun cringes. Another nickname? He's barely recovering from the tabloids that insisted on calling him 'MJ', arguing that they couldn't call him anymore by the nickname Mao gave him because it was a "constant reminder of his betrayal" or something as ridiculous as that. Well, at least they didn't dig up the first nickname he had in the industry. He thinks he would flip out if anyone dared to call him _Macchan_ again—not that anyone ever did, since only Sakurai used that one, but never mind.

At least Nino chose '-pon' instead of '-chan'. Jun is pretty sure he would have cried if Nino had called him Jun-chan.

Jun scowls at Nino. "Hey! Don't call me that!"

Nino merely smirks at his response. "Then J?"

Jun's eyes widen in horror.

Nino laughs.

 

They keep talking for hours. Nino rambles about video games, and then Jun tells him everything about bonsai trees.

Nino blinks. "Wait, you actually named your bonsai?"

"Many people do so! And wouldn't it be strange to not give him a name if I talk to him every day?"

Nino's eyebrows shoot up. "You talk to it?"

" _Him_ ," Jun corrects. "And yes, I do."

"Jun-pon…"

"Hmm?"

"Never thought that I, of all people, would ever say this, but you should—no, you _need_ to go out more."

Jun glares at him. "Oh, shut up!"

He thinks he likes Nino already.

 

Masaki and Nino would have been best friends if they had met, Jun has no doubt about it. They're fans of the same baseball team, they have the same crazy fashion sense—Jun couldn't help noticing the smurf print in Nino's boxers when he stood up, not that he was staring at Nino's ass or anything—and they share the opinion that Jun will definitely lose his mind unless he goes back to talking with actual people instead of having one-sided conversations with his bonsai.

Jun can't help wishing that Masaki was here with them.

His heart aches a little.

 

_Not all sources of light shine as bright as sunshine…_

 

Nino comes to see Jun every morning.

He doesn't seem to be a morning person. Jun isn't one himself, and even he isn't as cranky as Nino is sometimes.

"Tough night?" Jun smirks over his mug as Nino continues grumbling between his teeth.

"Had a quest. Son of a bitch from Austria ditched us in the middle of it, and we had to go on without him. Bastard," Nino says. "See if we let him tag along ever again!"

Jun laughs and refills Nino's mug with more coffee. After the third time Nino dropped by, Jun felt a bit guilty for always getting food from him, so he restocked his fridge and cupboards. He got everything delivered, since the thought of walking through the park to get to the usual place where he does his grocery shopping made him anxious.

"You shouldn't have come then," Jun says. "You should have slept a little longer."

"I'm fine, Jun-pon," Nino replies. "I'll just take a nap before getting to work."

Nino works from home—not surprising. He's an editor. He refuses to disclose any details about his job further than that, which is fair since Jun hasn't really told him what he does either. Jun doesn't know how much Nino's earning, but from what he's seen lately it must be _a lot_. Anyone who has such a big collection of games and consoles must be getting a pretty fat paycheck to afford that kind of hobby.

"Talking about work, when does your vacation end?"

Jun flinches. "That's… umm… I don't really know, Nino." He bites his lip, avoiding Nino's eyes as he continues. "It depends on when I get a new project. Until then, I guess I'll just stay here."

"Is that really alright?"

"Yeah," Jun lies. "It's happened before. I've been inactive for a while, and then they just start throwing so many projects at me that I can barely sleep."

"I see…" Nino nods. "But, say… don't you want to do anything else until then? Get a part-time job maybe?"

"Hmm…" Jun furrows his eyebrows pensively. "I hadn't considered that."

"You should do it," Nino says. "It must be boring to just sit here all day long without doing much."

Jun can't disagree with that. "I'll find something to do," he says. He doesn't mention that his contract doesn't really allow him to get a second job, regardless of his current status in the agency. Nino seems relieved, and that's the important part.

The next day, after Nino's morning visit, Jun decides to make some crepes. Masaki got him one of those cool crepe makers, which he hasn't used since the day they tried it for the first time. Maybe he can make Nino a snack, to thank him for everything he's done lately. His company always manages to cheer Jun up, at least for a while.

"So… how was this thing supposed to work?" Jun scratches his head, trying to remember Masaki's instructions.

He should have paid more attention.  
  
  
  


* * *

"If you keep eating the fruit, your crepe will be nothing but cream."

A pout formed in Jun's face. He was sure that Masaki could see it from the corner of his eye, if that smirk was anything to go by. The bowl of strawberries that was next to him was taken away.

"Here you go," Masaki said and handed him the finished crepe with a smile. "So?"

"Sweet," Jun mumbled, already going for his second bite. "Needs more strawberries."

Masaki burst out laughing. "Well, whose fault is that, eh?"

Jun tried not to grin when Masaki pinched his cheek.  


* * *

  
  
  
The crepes don't look as nice as the ones Masaki did. "Practice, Jun-pon, that's what you need," Nino tells him. He eats the crepe anyway.

"Cooking was pretty relaxing. I might make some more tomorrow."

"Do it!" Nino nods, still munching. "This one's pretty good."

"Ah, that's Masaki's recipe. He called it the 'Super Funktastic Strawberry Aibanana & Cream Deluxe'." Jun replies, amazed that he recalled the full name.

"Aiba-shi sounds like a weird guy." Nino chuckles. "His crepes are good though. Tell him that."

"I will," Jun says.

He feels horrible for not telling Nino the truth about Masaki.

 

_…but light is light, no matter how little.  
It's enough._

 

_At least until the moment that it just isn't anymore._

 

The nightmare comes again. Jun, like a fool, hopes that it will be different this time.

Yet nothing changes.

"You did this," a voice accuses him. "This is your fault."

Jun shakes in fear as the darkness grows. Faceless figures surround him, pointing their fingers at him.

"You did this."

 

Jun can't control the feelings bottling up inside him.

He thought he could. When he befriended Nino, he honestly believed that things would get better from that moment on, that he would be able to continue with his life normally.

It was impossible.

He's a time bomb.

He'll explode. Soon.  
  
  
  


* * *

The first time he saw Masaki's murderer on TV, he was with Nino. They were watching the news together while they had dinner.

"Ugh, sorry, gotta take this," Nino said and left the room with his phone in hand.

As Jun poured himself a glass of water, he heard a familiar name on the news.

_"…the murder of Aiba Masaki…"_

He turned immediately to catch what they were saying. In the screen, they were showing a live broadcasting from Kasamatsu prison.

_"…found not guilty…"_

Masaki's murderer was smirking as she came out of prison.

The glass shattered on the ground.  


* * *

  
  
  
The nightmares are getting much worse. Jun barely eats anything unless Nino forces him. He is also afraid of leaving home. His only moment of peace is when he is tending to Matsu, and not even that manages to put him completely at ease these days.

Why did they release that woman? Everyone saw her! Heck, Jun would have testified against her if necessary!

It only makes sense when Jun looks her up. She's the daughter of some hot shot businessman who has links to the yakuza. She's now living in Europe, like nothing happened.

The world is really unfair.

 

The crime against Masaki will probably be forgotten soon. Aside from that report, nothing else is added on the matter. There's no mention of Jun or the witnesses that were present that night. Masaki's family doesn't protest either.

It goes just as expected, and that's what Jun hates the most.

 

"So… you want to go somewhere tonight? I heard that there…"

"No."

"You didn't even let me finish! See, my boss told me about this restaurant…"

"Not interested."

"He said that even celebrities go there! The food…"

"How about you just leave me the fuck alone, Ninomiya?"

"…"

"…"

"Alright."

 

Nino is worried. Jun knows it, even if Nino never says a word about it.

It's bad for the two of them, Jun thinks. Nino shouldn't have to deal with Jun's issues, and Jun shouldn't have done something as irresponsible as befriending someone when he's so messed up.

It occurs to him that maybe he should put a stop to the situation. But how? Nino doesn't seem to have any intentions of going away, and moving out is definitely out of the question.

_There is another alternative,_ a voice in the corner of his mind murmurs.

_It's the only way._

 

"I have to get something at the convenience store. Need me to bring you anything?"

"No, it's alright."

The front door closes behind Nino. Knowing him, he won't be back in a while.

Jun goes to the kitchen and fetches a knife.

He locks himself in his room with it.

 

_If living is hard, then perhaps dying should be easier._

 

"Open the door, J."

_No._

"Don't make me go in there to get you, because you know very well that I will!"

_No._

"Open the door, I said!"

_NO!_

"You can't hide there forever, you know?"

_I know._

"This is ridiculous! Just let me in!"

…

"Jun? Jun!"

_I'm sorry._

 

_Everything is my fault. Mine.  
Masaki's gone because of me._

 

Nino keeps pounding on the door, his screams getting more desperate each second. "Please, Jun, let me in!" he says. "Please, please! Say something!"

It seems that he knows what is about to happen. Jun isn't surprised. Nino is smart. He surely put two and two together the moment Jun stopped replying.

Jun wishes he could stop, but he can't. It has to be done. It is the only way.

He's scared out of his wits, yet he _must_ do this. He must put an end to everything. The sooner, the better.

Nino continues screaming and crying outside.

It's time.

 

_If I had left him alone back then, everything would have been different._

_He'd still be happy. He'd still be working with those little children he loved so much, taping colorful pieces of paper filled with drawings to his apartment's walls and playing with his dog._

_He'd still be alive._

 

He has seen Masaki die many times before his eyes. Every night it happens again. Jun can never save him. He can't change past.

"You did this," the voices say. A part of Jun thinks it's kind of ridiculous, but he's starting to believe them.

He is the one to blame. He was supposed to die that time, not Masaki.

That mistake must be rectified. Jun will make it right, so that he doesn't have to see Masaki die in front of him again.

He grabs the knife with shaking hands.

_I will join you soon, Masaki. Wait for me._

 

The last thing Jun sees before losing consciousness is the blood pouring from his wrist. Blood, blood, blood… It gleams in the moonlight like a crimson river, a stark contrast to the white color of the marble floors in Jun's bedroom.

The sound of Nino's voice is becoming more and more distant.

It's a strange state, like he's here but he isn't here at the same time. Flashes of memories pass through his mind. Is this what death feels like? Is this what Masaki felt that night?

He lets the sea of memories engulf him until there's nothing but darkness.  
  
  
  


* * *

"Mommy, what's that?" Jun pointed at the multicolored thing in the heaven. It was so pretty, and he wished he could take it in his hands.

"That's a rainbow, dear," his mother said. "It is formed when rays of sunshine mix with the raindrops."

Ever since then, Jun stopped hating rainy days. He used to dislike them because his mother never allowed him to play outside when it rained. He started longing for them. He sat by the window hoping that maybe he could catch a glimpse of a rainbow again.

Rainy clouds and sunshine made such a good pair.

 

"What's your name?"

The other boy turned towards him with a scowl on his face. "None of your business."

Jun pouted. That wasn't the reaction he was expecting. He went along with it anyway. "Nice to meet you, none of your business! I'm Matsumoto Jun!" he said with a grin.

The other boy's eyes widened. His cheeks went red and puffy. He was fuming. Jun thought that he would get hit or something, but then the boy held out his hand. "I'm Sakurai Sho."

It wasn't the best beginning for a friendship, but it wasn't so bad either, Jun thought.

 

"You look like a bug," Sho said. "You are so tiny, and your eyes are so huge."

Jun laughed along with everyone else. It was a joke. Sho was just being silly, as usual.

He cried when he was alone. That was the first time he felt his heart ache.

 

"I-I like Sho-kun."

Saying it out loud was so embarrassing. 

Sho was grinning when he looked up. "But is it love or like?"

Jun's face went red. "I-It's different, because we're both guys!"

Sho pouted at him.

If Jun hadn't known better, he would have said that Sho looked disappointed.

 

"I HATE YOU!"

Sho looked so shocked when Jun said it. "I hate you!" Jun repeated and stomped off outside.

"Macchan, wait!" Sho pulled him by his arm. For the first time, Sho looked nervous in front of him. "Macchan, I…"

"Don't call me Macchan ever again."

It was over.

 

"My name is Aiba Masaki, and this one here is Kuu-chan."

The dog started growling, making Jun take a couple of steps back. Masaki frowned. "Kuu-chan isn't usually like this."

"It's alright," Jun sighed. "Animals and little kids tend to have that reaction to me at first. Bugs love me though."

Masaki burst out laughing. Jun's heart skipped a beat.

 

"I like you, Masaki."

Masaki giggled. His cheeks went pink, like the cotton candy they were sharing just a moment before.

Confessing in a Ferris wheel was probably too cheesy, but Jun didn't care. He was ready, so he decided that he didn't have to wait any longer.

"I like you too, Jun-chan," Masaki said, gnawing on his bottom lip with a bashful expression. "I've liked you since the day we met."

They beamed at each other and closed the distance automatically to meet in the middle for a kiss. Their first kiss. Jun would make sure to treasure it.

 

"Jun-chan…" Masaki moaned, his nails digging in Jun's back. "Ah, Jun…"

Jun grinned and rolled his hips again, drawing another moan from Masaki. He was close. He could feel the heat pooling in his groin.

They came almost at the same time, hands joined over Masaki's head.

"I love you," they both said in perfect synchrony. Then they started laughing and crying happy tears and kissing like there was no tomorrow.

Jun could see himself spending the rest of his life like this, by Masaki's side. He didn't need fame, wealth or anything else as long as they were together.

 

"Let's break up."

Jun didn't know how to react when Masaki said it, so he didn't.

"I don't think I can keep doing this, hiding our relationship from everyone as if it was a crime. I'm tired! Not of you, but of… _this_."

What could Jun say to that?

"Okay."

 

Jun didn't cry over Masaki. He didn't throw away the things that reminded him of their time together. He didn't block him on social media. He didn't badmouth him, didn't wish him to suffer.

Jun accepted Masaki in his life again when he was ready. Jun became his best friend. Jun didn't ever show his jealousy. Jun dated other people, and saw Masaki date other people too.

Because a world where Masaki was in his life, despite not being his lover, was better than a world where Masaki wasn't around.

Because he refused to let go.

Because he loved Masaki.

 

"Ah, right there, ah…"

Ohno spanked him before thrusting back inside him, faster and harder than before. "What did I tell you about talking?" he said in Jun's ear, pulling him by his hair.

Jun moaned again. "More, more, more," he kept saying, smirking when Ohno spanked him with more force.

"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" Ohno chuckled. "Alright… I guess you leave me no choice."

Jun couldn't utter a full word after that. Whatever sounds he was making, they had no coherence at all.

There was nothing else in his mind but Ohno's cock in that moment.

 

"Good! Nicely done, Matsumoto-san!" Ohno praised him. "You are very good at dancing!"

Jun blushed at the comment. "Why, thank you," he said with a grin. "I hope the audience will think the same when the movie comes out."

"Oh, they will love it, trust me." Ohno winked at him.

 

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…"

"Shh…" Masaki rubbed Jun's back. "We already talked about…"

"Yes, but…"

"Jun-chan, it's alright. I _really_ don't blame you."

It was the third time Jun ended up apologizing since they started talking again. Jun still felt like crap.

Masaki remained calm. Jun envied him.

 

Masaki was wearing a white kimono.

Right side over left.

 

Jun clung to the person in front of him like they were his lifeline.

"I'm here. I will not leave you."

Jun buried his face in that sturdy chest, inhaling the person's fragrance and finding out that he loved it. They smelled like fresh linen, like safety, like good things.

 

"You again?"

Nino shrugged and walked past him, bringing takeout boxes with him. "I bought hamburger steak," he said. "I hope you like it. It's my favorite."

"Why do you do this?" Jun asked. "What's in it for you?"

Nino shrugged again.

Jun never got an answer to that question.

 

"You know, J… It's been more fun to meet you than to hear you through the wall."

"Is that so?" Jun arched an eyebrow at Nino. "I thought you were bored of me and my talks about bonsai."

Nino winced. "Well, yeah, but… it's still fun. I don't have many friends."

"Me neither," Jun said. "Well, at least not anymore…"

"Why is that? I thought you were pretty popular."

Jun bit his lip. "Things happened. Nothing important."

"Oh come on! Tell me!" Nino whined. "You know you can trust me, don't you?"

"I know." Jun smiled at him. "I know."

 

"J, what the heck are you putting inside that crepe?"

"It's curry!" Jun grinned. "Masaki said that he wanted to try it, but we never actually did it, so I'm doing it now to see how it tastes! What do you think?"

Nino took the crepe reluctantly. His eyes widened when he took the first bite.

"Good, isn't it?" Jun laughed. "That's it! I'm including this one in the menu!"

"Menu?"

"Oh… it's just… Masaki wanted to open a crepe shop. Maybe… maybe I could just, you know… make his dream come true?"

Nino grinned. "That's a great idea, J."

 

"You know… I think I'm like a rain cloud."

Nino laughed. "Is that so?"

"Yeah… there's only darkness everywhere I go."

Nino hummed. "But you said you loved rainbows the other day."

"I do."

"Then isn't that convenient? If there's no rain, there's no rainbow. You just need to get yourself some sunshine." Nino winked at him. "What about Aiba-shi? He sounds like the right kind of person for that."

"No!" Jun snapped. "He can't. Not anymore…"

"Well… if not him, then you'll have to find a new one. Can't be that hard, right?" Nino grinned.

"Easier said than done…"  


* * *

  
  
  
Jun's eyes flutter open slowly.

What happened? Where is he?

There's something beeping not far from him. Every time he takes a breath, there's a funny sound, like he's wearing the helmet of that Darth Vader guy who appears in the movie he and Nino saw the other day.

He didn't die then.

At first, he doesn't know whether to feel relieved or not. But then he looks to his right.

Nino is there, crying. "He woke up! Doctor, doctor! He woke up!" he yells as soon as he notices that Jun's eyes are opened. "It's alright, J! You're alright! T-Thank goodness, you're alright…"

His voice cracks, and Jun feels guilty for it. Nino isn't the kind of guy who feels comfortable displaying emotions like that. He must have been really scared.

"I'm sorry, Nino."

"Eh? No, J, don't say that," Nino tells him. "You don't have to apologize, okay? I'm the one who should… I suspected you weren't feeling alright, and I still didn't do anything to help."

Jun shakes his head. "It's not your fault."

Nino merely pats his cheek. They don't say anything else.

The doctor says that Jun has to stay at the hospital for a while. He lost a lot of blood, it's a miracle that he resisted until he was taken to the hospital. He was in surgery for a long time. The tendons in his right hand were damaged a bit when he slit his wrist. The scars will be quite noticeable, the doctor says. He won't be able to use his hands during the next two months.

"We need to contact your family, Matsumoto-san, to let them know about your condition," the doctor says. "Would you be able to provide us their telephone numbers?"

Jun lowers his head. "Sensei, I don't think that would be a good idea. I'm not in very good terms with my family at the moment."

The doctor gives Jun a sympathetic look. He probably knows exactly who Jun is and what has happened to him lately. At least he doesn't look at Jun with disgust—that's a good sign. "I understand," he says. "If you change your mind, please let me or any of the nurses know."

After doing a quick check on Jun, the man leaves. Nino is allowed to stay with Jun that night. It's not unexpected, given the reason why Jun ended up there in the first place. They don't talk though. Jun can read in Nino's eyes all the questions he must be itching to make, yet neither of them breaks the silence.

A nurse comes in after a while and injects something into the IV bag. Pain medication, she explains with a little smile. She seems concerned when she checks Jun's temperature. He has a fever, and the doctor needs to be alerted. Jun's eyelids feel heavier as the fluid she injected in the bag earlier slowly flows into his body. He loses consciousness soon enough.

He doesn't dream anything that night.

 

Like the previous time, the first thing Jun hears when he wakes is the beeping of the machines around him and the odd sound of the ventilator. They must have put it on again when he was asleep. The tubes are still attached to his right arm.

Jun tries to sit up, but his body is weaker than he expected. His arms have been immobilized, so he can't use them to push himself up either. It makes him panic. The constant beeping sound doesn't help him calm down at all. His breathing becomes more labored, and his heart is racing. He feels helpless.

A nurse rushes inside the room shortly after. With her assistance, Jun is able to regain his calmness. The beeps of the machine are less frequent now, which Jun supposes is good. The nurse pushed a button next to the bed to change its angle. Jun is sitting now.

The first thing he notices is that Nino isn't in the room anymore. "Your friend said that he will be back later," the nurse says, as though she could read Jun's mind. "He went back to your place, to get what you'll be needing for your stay here. He should be back soon, since he left so early."

Nino is such a sweetheart, Jun thinks. He should be grateful for him. One of these days, when he gets better, Jun will find the way to repay his kindness. He has to focus on getting better to do that though.

The nurse doesn't leave until Nino arrives. "Thank you, Ayako-san," Nino bows to her and comes in with a big duffel bag. He's also carrying a small paper bag. _Breakfast_ , Jun grins once his friend starts taking out the bread and coffee. "Come on, let's eat," Nino says. He helps Jun take off the ventilator mask and puts a cup in front of him.

Jun pouts when he remembers that he can't move his arms. Before he even speaks, Nino breaks the bread with his hands and brings a little piece to Jun's lips. Jun doesn't really like being handfed, but it will have to do by now. It's not like he has another choice.

"Jun-pon… would you… I mean…" Nino sighs. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Jun stops chewing. "Not if I can help it, but I guess that's not an option now." He chuckles bitterly. Nino brings the cup to Jun's lips, so he takes a sip. "Where do you want me to start?"

"That's up to you," Nino says. "You don't have to tell me everything if you don't feel comfortable doing so."

Jun shakes his head. "I have to. Not talking hasn't been a good strategy so far. Look where it got me…"

Nino hums. He shoves another piece of bread in Jun's mouth. "Well, then speak up. I won't push you to say anything you're not ready to share with me, but I can listen."

"It's a long story."

"We have time."


	4. Chapter 4

_Sharing light is easy. It barely requires any effort on your part. It just happens._  
Sharing darkness is difficult.  
How do you know that it's safe? What if sharing darkness creates more darkness? Do math's rules work for darkness? Does dividing darkness result in smaller portions?  
It's worth a try. 

 

Jun tells him everything.

He talks about his job, about how his career is now ruined forever thanks to those leaked pictures and how much he regrets that he let Ohno take them. Then he talks about Masaki and all the problems he had after the media started saying that he was the guy in the pictures. And, eventually, he tells Nino about Masaki's death.

Nino's eyes go wide. "Why hadn't you mentioned that before?"

"I didn't know how to," Jun sniffs. He hates crying, but that's all he does lately. "I… I still don't think I have processed it very well…"

"Jun-pon…" Nino sighs. He wraps his arms around Jun's body. "You don't have to just deal with all that by yourself, you know? You can talk about this with others."

"I don't want to," Jun replies. "Those are my problems, Nino. I don't want anyone to get involved. Look what happened to Masaki! He just wanted to help and… and…"

"There, there," Nino says. "I know this will be hard to believe, but it's not your fault, Jun-pon. You didn't cause all those problems."

"But I could have prevented them."

"You couldn't have known that things would go the way they did. It's true, because you _didn't_ , or did you?"

Jun has to admit that Nino has a point. Not even for a moment did he suspect that everything would go so wrong. It doesn't make him feel less guilty though. Bad things related to him still happened. His lack of control over them only makes him more frustrated.

"You should at least let the doctors call your family," Nino says. "There isn't much you can do by yourself with your arms like that."

"I don't think they will be very thrilled to hear from me. Maybe they'll get mad that I didn't cut myself properly…"

Nino glares at him. Okay, that may not have been a good thing to say.

"My sister might answer," Jun says, hoping that Nino isn't mad at him. "She will tell my parents if she thinks they need to know, I'm pretty sure of that."

"Okay."

Nino gets up and leaves the room. Jun feels stupid. Why did he say that? Now Nino is upset, thanks to his stupid mouth. Can't he do anything well?

"I'm an idiot, an idiot," Jun says to himself.

Nino comes back with a nurse. She takes note of Jun's sister's phone, which he has thankfully memorized since he was in high school. She leaves just a moment later.

He expects Nino to give him the silent treatment. He deserves it. He's dragged Nino into his problems, and now he's said something very inappropriate.

"So… are you up for some magic tricks?"

Jun blinks. Nino takes a deck of cards out of his pocket. "Eh?"

"Pick one," Nino says with a grin. "I'm going to show you something cool."

Why isn't Nino mad at him? Why is he talking and smiling and…?

Why is Jun so relieved?

 

That night, something Jun didn't foresee happens.

"Jun-chan!"

He looks up when he hears a female voice calling his name. His eyes go wide when he sees his mother entering the room, followed by his sister. "Jun-chan," his mother says, her eyes glassy as she observes him. "My baby, my poor baby!"

It's been a while since the last time Jun was hugged by his mother, a few years actually. She hasn't changed her perfume. She smells just like she did when she sent Jun off at the train station the last time he was at their hometown, the same way she always has ever since Jun was a child.

"It's alright, mama is here," she says as she rubs Jun's back. Jun hadn't realized it, but it seems he's crying.

"Who told you?"

"They called from the hospital this morning," it's Jun's sister who replies. "I was at mom and dad's when I got the call. Dad said that we should come immediately."

Jun goes completely still in his mother's embrace. "You told dad a-about this?"

There's no need for a verbal response. His father comes into the room in that very moment. Jun cannot read the expression on his face very well, but he assumes that the man must be furious. He'll probably lecture Jun about his stupid actions, and let him know just how much of a disappointment he is for the entire family.

Wrong.

"How are you feeling, Jun?"

Those are not the words Jun was expecting, and that's not the tone he thought his father would use with him, not after what his sister told him the last time.

"The doctor said that you had a fever last night after the transfusions, but that you're better now," Jun's father continues. He puts a hand on Jun's head to ruffle his hair. "Why didn't you give the doctor our number? We could have come earlier."

"I-I… I'm sorry…" Jun mumbles. "I didn't want to be a nuisance, father. I've already caused you enough trouble as it is."

"You are not a nuisance, son," Jun's father replies. "Not now, not ever."

Jun thinks he's dreaming when his father wipes his tears and smiles at him. Is it real?

"Your mother and I were thinking about staying with you for a while, if that's okay," Jun's father says. "We don't want to impose on you."

"Y-Yes… please, stay," Jun replies without thinking it twice.

"Very well," his father nods. "Your mother and I will go to your place and leave our luggage. We will pick you up tomorrow."

"I will stay here until they come back," Jun's sister says.

Jun's mother kisses his cheek and wishes him a good night. His father gives him a last smile and a pat on the head before leaving with his mother.

"Jun-chan, I brought your favorite blanket!" Jun's sister announces happily.

In the corner, Nino observes with a smile while Jun gets wrapped in a fluffy Goku blanket by his sister.

 

_Light… it is slowly returning._

 

The first day at home goes nicely.

Jun's mother makes miso soup. She spoon-feeds Jun and chatters happily about what's happened in their hometown since Jun's last visit, and also about his grandparents' farm. "Mom and dad said that you should go visit them soon. You are always so busy!"

"Tell them I'll go there for grandpa's birthday," Jun replies with a grin.

Jun's father is on a mission to make Jun's apartment "safe" for him. He's hidden all the sharp things somewhere in the guest room, which is now permanently locked.

They tuck Jun into bed together that night.

 

The second and third day are just as pleasant. Jun's father helps him shave. They both laugh remembering the first time they did this, back when Jun was in high school.

Jun's sister and her husband visit on the afternoon. They inform Jun that he will soon become an uncle.

 

Nino drops by on the fourth day.

When Nino is gone, Jun's mother makes the question Jun was expecting since Nino's arrival.

"Is he your…?"

"No!" Jun says. "We are friends. Actually, we barely know each other."

Jun's mother seems a bit disappointed. "But he's so nice and cute! You should date him, Jun-chan!"

"Dad…" Jun whines, hoping that his father will rescue him from this.

To his surprise, his father merely smirks at him and continues grooming Matsu. It seems Jun is not the only person in the family who likes bonsai trees.

His mom doesn't stop teasing him.

 

Nino also comes on the fifth day. He has a good laugh when Jun tells him about what his mother said.

"You know… we could actually do it, since your parents already approve of me," Nino says with a wink.

If Jun's arm wasn't in a sling, he'd hit Nino.

 

It is on the tenth day that the first problem arises.

"Come on, Jun-chan, we have to go for your appointment."

"N-no…" Jun shakes his head. "No, no, no, no, no!"

He screams and cowers in a corner of his room.

Even when his parents decide to just let him be, he doesn't stop shivering in fear. Between Nino and his mother, they manage to make him go to bed. Nino puts Masaki's Disco Star shirt over his shoulders, and then covers him with his Goku blanket.

That night he wakes up covered in sweat and screaming after a nightmare.

 

His family contacts a therapist immediately. They arrange for the man to visit Jun at home, since his fear of going out is too extreme.

Jun feels stupid. He's making things difficult for everyone, isn't he?

That day he considers for a brief moment to try it again. He could do it better this time, he thinks. He won't fail.

Then he hears his parents talking.

"We must do everything we can to help Jun get better. We must be his strength."

Now he feels stupid for even thinking it.

He won't let them down. He will keep on trying.

 

_I will do my best._

 

Therapy. Medication. More therapy. More medication.

It does help. The nightmares don't return.

"You should face your fears."

"You are not guilty of what you cannot control."

"You must learn to let go of the past and forgive yourself."

Jun and his therapist obviously have different opinions on some matters.

 

"Tell me more about Aiba-shi."

"Why do you always want to talk about him, Nino?"

"He sounds like a great guy. And he has the same name of a boy who went to elementary school with me."

"For real?"

"Yeah… We used to be best friends. He moved back to Chiba though, so I never saw him again."

"Eh… and how was he?"

"He had a smile as bright as the sun. And he had this weird birthmark on his shoulder."

"…."

"What?"

"Nino…"

"What?"

"I haven't shown you Masaki's pictures, have I?"

"No."

"I think you should see them."

 

Their talks about Masaki are more frequent after that day.

 

Jun's parents have to leave Tokyo for a few weeks. "We are needed at the farm," Jun's father explains, looking apologetic. "We will be back as soon as possible."

The apartment feels much lonelier without them.

Before leaving, Jun's parents locked all dangerous items in the guest room. Even the implements to take care of Matsu are in there. Nino has the only key, and he keeps it in a "secret" place at his own apartment. Nino stays with Jun during most of the day, and only goes out when Jun's therapist is there for another session or when Jun falls asleep after taking his medication.

Jun's arms are recovering, He is now able to hold small things, like his pills. He still needs help for more complicated things, such as eating or taking off his clothes. Nino seems to be enjoying himself way too much every time Jun needs his assistance, and Jun swears the first thing he will do when he recovers the strength in his hands is to land a good punch on Nino's smug face.

On Saturday, they clean Jun's apartment. Nino does most of the work, but since Jun is the one telling him what to do, he counts it as a 'team effort'. When Nino moves the couch, after ten minutes of complaining about the back pains he will _surely_ get after doing so much _heavy_ work, an object falls to the floor.

"It's a phone," Nino tells him. "Seems the battery is dead."

"That's where I left it! I thought I had lost that thing!" Jun laughs.

Nino frowns. "How long has it been since you checked your phone?"

"Hmm… I'm not sure. When was Masaki's funeral?"

"Almost three months ago."

Jun smiles sheepishly. Nino merely rolls his eyes at him and goes to find the charger. "Whoa, look at that!" he exclaims when he turns on the phone. "You've got a lot of missed calls, Jun-pon!"

"Eh? Let me see!"

In fact, everyone he knows has been trying to contact him. There are a dozen calls from his former manager, and a hundred more from his friends and kouhai. He grins when he sees that Ohno sent him a few texts. He'll check those later, when Nino isn't around.

"Who's Sakurai Sho?"

"A coworker," Jun replies, "why?"

"Poor dude must have been worried. Take a look," Nino points at a corner of his screen.

Indeed, Sakurai is the one who has called more times. He's called Jun at least two or three times a day since the funeral. Jun feels bad for him. He regrets a little bit that he didn't say goodbye the last time.

"Won't you call him?" Nino asks.

"Eh? Oh… sure, sure, I'll give him a call. I should probably start replying to all those mails I got anyway. Maybe I'll just mail him! Yes! That is very convenient, don't you think? I'll mail him," Jun says.

Nino throws him a suspicious glance but doesn't say anything else.

 

_Matsumoto-san, I'm back in Japan._

_I heard about what happened with the pictures from a friend. I'm deeply sorry. It wasn't my intention to cause you any trouble. I should have behaved more responsibly._

_I would like to visit you one of these days if that's okay with you._

_-Ohno_

 

_I suspected that you had already gone overseas when I didn't hear from you._

_What happened was truly regrettable. I'm somehow glad that you weren't here in Japan, for I would have taken it out on you when it wasn't your fault either._

_You are welcome to visit anytime._

_-Jun_

 

"Have you called Sho-chan yet?"

"No."

"Jun…"

"What's the point, Nino? He isn't even my friend! He just happened to be there during Masaki's funeral, and he probably freaked out because I had a breakdown. That's it! He just… I don't think he actually cares about what's going on with me."

"Jun-pon… aren't you just running away from him?"

"Why would I do that?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

"…"

"Did he hurt you?"

"Eh? No, not at all…"

"Then?"

"I… I just don't want him to judge me, okay? I don't want him to see me like this."

 

_"What are you afraid of?"  
I wish I knew it._

 

One by one, Jun contacts the people who have kindly left messages either in his inbox or his voice mail. Most of them reply within a day. A few invite him to go out for drinks, to catch up. Jun declines, of course. He doesn't feel ready to go outside yet. He doesn't ask them to come over either, but promises to stay in touch. It's all he can offer them by now, and he hopes it's enough.

Nino keeps pestering Jun about Sakurai. His curiosity about the man only increases when Jun tells him that Sakurai and Masaki used to be very close.

"Masaki kept trying to make me talk to that guy," Jun says. He is a little bit tipsy after the beers they've been drinking since dinner. He shouldn't be drinking alcohol, but he guesses that if he just does it tonight, it won't hurt. Besides, Nino is there to watch over him. He will be fine.

Jun snorts. "What could we talk about? We didn't have anything in common! We're opposites, I'd say."

"Well, you know what they say about opposites," Nino wiggles his eyebrows. Jun snorts in response, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of the idea. "It's true! You never know!"

"Oh, please! There are more chances that I'd be attracted to, say, someone like _you_ than to Sakurai Sho."

Nino bursts out laughing. "Can't blame you for that. I'm hard to resist." He winks.

"Hmm…" Jun scoots closer to him. "Well… you _are_ kind of cute, when you're not being a pain in the ass." He giggles as Nino tries to smack his head. "But I think you're not my type after all."

"Ouch," Nino pouts. "You're breaking my heart, J."

Jun stares at Nino with a blank expression until the other man can't keep his pretend hurt face and laughs again.

It happens too fast. One moment they're laughing, and then one of them closes the distance. They kiss.

They stop for a moment and stare at each other. Nino smiles and puts a hand on Jun's cheek. They kiss again. And again. And again…

It's different from the kisses Jun shared with Masaki. There are no butterflies, no nervous anticipation. It isn't like Ohno's kisses either. There's no lust, no hidden desires. If Jun had to describe it, he would say Nino's kisses are comforting, like that Goku blanket he keeps in his room. They make him feel warm and at ease. It's been a long time since someone could make him feel that way.

Still, when they part for air, Jun has the feeling that it won't happen again. He can read it in Nino's eyes. And that's alright. He doesn't want his relationship with Nino to change.

"So…" Nino tucks a strand of hair behind Jun's ear. He's blushing, that's rare. "You should probably go to bed now."

"Come with me?" Jun stutters. He's sure Nino isn't the only one blushing now. "We could cuddle or something…"

"Okay."

"Okay."

 

They cuddle. It's nice. They should do it more often.

 

The sun is shining too bright the day Nino finally convinces Jun to get out of his apartment for the first time. Jun wants to go back inside, but he promised his therapist that he would give it a try, and he doesn't want to deal with that old man's lectures the next time they meet.

"Can I at least wear my shades?" Jun grumbles, squinting his eyes to see better.

Nino rolls his eyes at him. "It isn't that bright, J."

"It _is_!" Jun whines. "Why didn't we wait until the evening?"

"I told you that I have an appointment tonight," Nino replies. Jun can sense that he is losing his patience already. To Nino's credit, he doesn't let it show in his expression. Jun is starting to think that he might be some sort of saint in disguise. "Come on, move your ass!"

The park is just a couple of blocks away from their building. Jun feels the anxiety building up with every step they take. "I can't do this," he tells Nino as they're about to cross the street. "I can't, I can't, I…"

Nino grabs him by his shoulders. "Breathe," he says softly. Jun does as he says, pooled tears starting to roll down his cheeks. "You can do this. Nothing bad will happen, okay? Can you believe that?"

_No_ , Jun wants to say. Being outside is dangerous. They don't know what could be lurking in the shadows, waiting for them. It's not safe. They're not safe _anywhere_. No matter how many times he discusses it with his therapist, that feeling still doesn't go away.

Jun takes a deep breath. "I'll try," he says.

"Good," Nino pats Jun's shoulder. His other hand has already found Jun's. His grip is tight and firm, just what Jun needs. "Let's get a crepe. My treat!"

They sit on a bench, as far as possible from the playground. Jun can feels his hands trembling, but he tries to hide it.

"What?" Nino asks him, his head tilted in question. There's some cream in the corner of his lips, and Jun is itching to wipe it.

"Nothing," Jun mumbles. He wipes the cream off Nino's face with a napkin. "You're a mess, here… you'll need this."

"Ah, thank you!" Nino chuckles. "But eat up! It won't be as tasty if it gets cold!"

They finish their sweets in silence. Jun feels Nino's eyes on him the entire time. It's only natural, Jun guesses, so he tries not to feel annoyed by it. He won't do anything stupid. He doesn't want to make anyone suffer again, especially not Nino.

"Was it good?" Nino asks him.

"It was," Jun says. "I prefer Masaki's recipes though."

Nino shakes his head with a smirk. "You are too biased."

They spend another hour at the park. Nino walks him home after that. "Remember to take your pills on time," he tells Jun before leaving.

Jun has to admit that it went way better than he expected.

 

Three days later, an unexpected visitor comes to Jun's apartment.

"M-Matsumoto-kun…"

Jun gapes. He doesn't know how to react.

His visitor beats him to it, wrapping his arms around Jun's back almost immediately.

Is it for real? Jun cannot believe it.

But there he is. Sakurai Sho is hugging him.

 

It turns out that Nino's mysterious appointment from the other night was with Sakurai. That coward left right before Sakurai arrived, and he won't be in Tokyo during the next week because he's going to a convention in America—now Jun wonders just how high Nino's position is for him to be attending events overseas. Is this his doing then? Jun huffs as he makes some tea. He makes a mental note to demand an explanation from Nino when he returns.

By now, Jun must face Sakurai.

He's been avoiding this moment for months, and now he's in a position where he cannot run away from Sakurai anymore. Not that he feels like running anymore, but he would have preferred to get a heads up.

Taking a deep breath, Jun carries a tray with the teapot and two cups to the living room.

"T-Thanks," Sakurai bows and holds the cup with both hands. He sniffs a little, trying to stifle a sob. He was crying for a while when they hugged. His eyes are still red-rimmed and glassy, even if the tears have ceased to fall. That's an image Jun never imagined to see.

"How did you find me?" Jun asks. "I don't remember giving you this address."

Sakurai lowers his head. "I asked around," he replies. "Nobody wanted to tell me anything at first, but then I met your manager one day. He told me where you lived. The security guards wouldn't let me in though, so I kept calling you…"

"Yes, I am aware of that," Jun chuckles. "I had a _ton_ of missed calls from your number."

Sakurai's face goes red. "I was worried about you," he says. "You disappeared before I woke up the day after the funeral. You even left this behind!" He hands Jun a small plastic bag.

"What is…?" Jun's words die in his throat once he sees the green fabric inside the bag.

"It's Masaki's scarf, isn't it? I remember that he wore that thing all the time." Sakurai gives him a sheepish smile. "I washed it for you, since it was a bit… _stained_. I was sure that you'd want it back."

Jun's hands tighten around the scarf. He puts it around his neck and sighs happily. "Thank you."

"Ninomiya-kun… he's a nice guy," Sakurai says after a short moment of silence. "He called me from your number almost a week ago, saying that he wanted to meet me. Unfortunately, I was in Karuizawa at the moment, so I could only meet him three days ago. He was the one who let me in today."

_Just like I thought_ , Jun sighs. "I supposed he had something to do with that. He's oddly interested in you."

"Really?" Sakurai frowns.

"You were Masaki's friend after all. He's probably curious about what you can tell him," Jun says. Sakurai's frown gets deeper. "Eh? He didn't mention it?"

"What?"

"That he used to be friends with Masaki when they were little."

Sakurai's eyes widen in surprise. "He didn't."

"Then what did you guys talk about that day?"

"You."

Jun gapes. That was unexpected. Nino would surely mention him, but Jun didn't expect that Sakurai would talk about him with anyone. "Why?"

"I just told you, didn't I? I was worried." Sakurai's expression is serious now. "Ever since those pictures came out, I've been trying to contact you. I know you have plenty of friends, and you might not need someone like me at all, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I needed to make sure that you were alright."

That's new. The Sakurai Sho Jun has known since his teenage years doesn't give a damn about him. That's what Jun has always believed. The man sitting in front of him says the opposite. When did he change so much?

Was Masaki right when he said that Sakurai _did_ want to get closer to him?

"You…" Jun clears his throat. "You didn't have to."

"I know." Sakurai laughs. "I did it because I _wanted_ to do it anyway. Masaki warned me that you still hated me though. I was hoping we could change that."

Jun bites back a grin. "And how do you expect to do that?"

"I don't know," Sakurai scratches his head. "I guess I was half-hoping you wouldn't hate me as much as Masaki said, and that maybe we'd start from there."

Jun's eyebrows shoot up. "So there's no plan?"

"No."

"Sakurai Sho, the man who can't leave home without making a schedule of every remaining minute of the day, doesn't have a plan? Wow, that's _strange_!" Jun says. "Are you sure you can handle that? I mean, we both know how you get when things aren't going your way!"

"Honestly? I'm a bit nervous," Sakurai admits. "On the other hand, my plans have never really worked when it comes to you, have they?"

"I guess not." Jun nods.

"Then it's about time I try a different strategy, don't you think?" Sakurai flashes a nervous smile at him. "Maybe you won't hate me as much as before."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that in your place," Jun says, secretly enjoying the way Sakurai immediately looks a bit distressed. "You have the talent to get on my nerves more than any other person I know."

Sakurai pouts. "Hey, that's not true!"

Jun arches an eyebrow at him. "Want me to refresh your memory?"

"T-That's not necessary!" Sakurai winces. Judging by his expression, he _does_ know that he messed up before, and Jun is delighted to see that. It's a great improvement. "We're talking about starting over here, aren't we? Let's just forget about that!"

"I wonder if I'm not making a mistake by letting this happen…" Jun lets out an exaggerated sigh. "Don't make me regret it," he adds with a small smile.

If Jun said that seeing Sakurai's face light up after that didn't make his heart jump a little, he'd be lying. Not that he'll ever admit it, of course.

 

Sakurai doesn't stay for much time. He claims to have a prior appointment, but Jun senses that he's simply feeling nervous. He keeps blinking madly as they talk and makes very little eye contact—which means, if Jun remembers correctly, that he's most likely freaking out on the inside.

"I'll come to see you one of these days… it that's okay with you," Sakurai says, shuffling from foot to foot in front of Jun's door.

"I'd like that," Jun says. He laughs when Sakurai stares at him, a bit dumbfounded. "I will be alone during most of the week, and I could honestly use some company. I hate being alone lately," he says with a chuckle, hoping he doesn't sound as pathetic as he does in his mind.

"Oh, if that's the case, I could stop by later," Sakurai says.

Jun blinks. "Would you? I mean, you don't have to if you're busy."

"I… I have some free time tonight." Sakurai grins hesitantly. "I was planning to spend the night alone at my place anyway. To be honest with you, I don't like it much either."

Jun tries not to seem too excited about it, although he is. "Okay. I'll be waiting for you, then."

"Should I bring anything to eat? I know a very good Italian place, if you're still into that."

"Sounds good!"

They bid each other goodbye. Jun sighs of relief once the door is closed. It feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders after his conversation with Sakurai. Besides, he also got Masaki's scarf back. It smells like Sakurai does though. Not that Jun particularly dislikes it, but it's strange that an object that usually made him think about Masaki now also reminds him of another person.

He spends the afternoon reading a book on the couch. The apartment feels so empty now that he is by himself, and he can't wait for Sakurai to come. As it gets darker, he grows antsy. Depending constantly on other people during the last few months was pretty convenient, given his circumstances, but he didn't think that being alone for the first time since the _incident_ —that's how he calls his failed suicide attempt, if only to avoid thinking of the word 'suicide'—would be this frightening.

The sky is completely dark now. Jun sits on the veranda, hugging his legs against his chest. He's changed into an old t-shirt and his favorite sweatpants. He looks at the scars in his arms and feels his chest tightening. He tries to stay positive, but he ends up crying. He doesn't like this.

"Matsumoto-kun?"

Jun jumps when he hears the voice behind him. "S-Sakurai… how…?" He immediately hides his arms behind his back.

"Nino gave me the keys," Sakurai explains. Then he stares at Jun and frowns. "Were you crying?"

"N-No…" Jun lies. Sakurai folds his arms across his chest. "I just… I felt…" Jun bites his lip and looks away.

Sakurai hugs him.

He smells so good.

 

Then Sakurai sees Jun's scars…

And completely freaks out.

_Shit._

 

"Stop looking at me like that."

"…"

"This is why I didn't want to talk to you! I knew that you wouldn't understand!"

"It's not that, Matsumoto-kun. And, believe it or not, I _do_ understand."

"Then?"

"…"

"Sakurai…"

"It hurts."

"What hurts?"

"Not being able to do anything for you."

 

Jun is still thinking about their conversation of that night some days later. Sakurai has kept in touch with him, mailing and calling a couple of times per day. He hasn't been able to visit Jun due to work though.

Loneliness hasn't been much of an issue during these days, since Jun keeps himself busy. He waits patiently for his parents' daily calls and Nino's occasional mails. He goes out to the veranda more often to watch the city.

When someone opens the door, Jun rushes towards it, unable to hide the wide grin on his face.

And finds Ohno.

 

Talking to Ohno is _way_ easier than talking to Sakurai.

"I had forgotten that you had a key!" Jun laughs and hands Ohno a can of beer.

"Sorry for not returning it," Ohno smiles sheepishly.

Unlike Sakurai, Ohno doesn't comment on Jun's scars. They talk mostly about what Ohno's been up to since the last time they met. Jun is grateful for the distraction. He's talked so much about himself lately that he's getting bored of it.

"And how are you? Doing well, I hope?" Ohno finally asks.

"I'm doing better," Jun merely says.

Ohno doesn't pressure him for details.

 

"Hang in there," Ohno says and pats Jun's cheek before leaving.

Jun gapes at him.

How does he do that? How did he know? Aside from the scars, Jun is sure that not much has changed about him. And they didn't talk about Jun's problems at all.

Yet Ohno noticed.

 

_Just hanging in there won't do.  
It's time to act._

 

The morning after Ohno's visit, Jun decides to go out on his own.

He puts on Masaki's scarf and walks out of his apartment. His steps are hesitant at first, and he just wants to go back and hide under his Goku blanket. _No_ , he shakes his head and continues walking. Each step makes him feel more confident.

Before he knows, he's already outside. He shields his eyes from the sun with a hand, smiling. He takes a deep breath and continues.

He finally visits that bakery Nino likes so much. He rewards himself for his feat with an extra big cinnamon roll and a latte. After he's done, he goes out to walk aimlessly around town for a while. His phone rings.

_"Matsumoto-kun?"_

"Oh, Sakurai-san! What's up?"

There's silence on the other side of the line. _"You sound like you are in a good mood."_

"I am," Jun says and can't help giggling. "I'm outside!"

_"Y-You are? That's great! That's great, Matsumoto-kun!"_ Sakurai says. He sounds about as excited as Jun is. _"Where are you?"_

"Remember that store where Masaki shopped most of his clothes?"

_"Okay… that's not too far from here. I'll join you there."_

"Great! I'll be waiting inside. I really need new clothes."

Sakurai chuckles. _"I had forgotten how much you love shopping."_

Jun rolls his eyes, even if Sakurai can't see him now. "Get your ass here soon or I might go to another store without you," he says and hangs up with a grin.

Once inside the store, Jun feels the need to buy everything his eyes land on. By the time Sakurai gets there, Jun already has a pile of clothes in his hands –which he dumps on Sakurai to go and get some more.

"You won't buy all these, will you?" Sakurai asks. Only his eyes are visible behind all the things he's holding for Jun. He looks incredibly amused.

"Shut up and walk, Sakurai," Jun says. Sakurai bursts into a peal of laughter. "Oh, look! This one would look cute on Nino!"

Sakurai looks at him like he's just grown a second head. "Seriously?"

"It would suit him, don't you think?" Jun holds the garment up to show it to Sakurai. It's a yellow hoodie with a fox face and ears. "He looks good in this color."

Sakurai shakes his head. "Masaki's fashion sense rubbed off too much on you."

Jun aims a smack to Sakurai's head but fails. "I'm buying it," he says and throws the hoodie in Sakurai's face.

They end up going out of the store with at least seven bags. Jun takes the smallest one and lets Sakurai carry the rest all the way back to his apartment.

"I'm so tired," Sakurai whines.

"Aww," Jun coos and pinches Sakurai's cheek. "Then I guess you won't want to go out to get some lunch with me? I know a very good soba place."

Sakurai's eyes narrow in suspicion. "No more shopping?"

"No more shopping, I promise." Jun laughs.

 

Jun lied.

He drags Sakurai to continue shopping after lunch.

 

When they come back, Sakurai is still sporting a massive pout.

"You promised…"

"I'm so sorry," Jun says with a grin, not feeling sorry at all. "I guess I got carried away."

Sakurai sighs. "Fine. But I'm choosing what we do next time!"

_Next time_. Somehow Jun feels excited to hear that. He will go outside again. "Fair enough," Jun replies.

Before Sakurai leaves, Jun pulls him back inside. He puts a bracelet in Sakurai's wrist. "For being with me today," he simply says.

Sakurai beams at him, his round eyes shining happily. "Thank you."

It was a great day.

 

The bracelet Jun bought, which came as a set with Sakurai's, is on his night table.

It will be a reminder of today. The first day he felt completely at ease since things started going wrong.

"Please, let tomorrow be like today," he prays silently as he closes his eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

Jun wakes up feeling great, way better than he has felt in a long time.

The gardening implements are still locked away in the guest room. Jun puts on some classical music and talks to Matsu anyway.

"Last night I had a very sweet dream," he says. "I saw Masaki."  
  
  
  


* * *

"Jun-chan…"

Jun rubbed his eyes and stared at the figure standing before him in disbelief. _It cannot be!_

Masaki laughed and reached to brush his cheek. His fingers didn't touch Jun. It felt like a fresh breeze caressed Jun's face.

"You are ready," Masaki said.

"What for?"

"To let go."  


* * *

  
  
  
"Letting go… that wasn't a concept I liked too much, you know!" Jun chuckles. "But I think I start seeing the point."

He sighs and takes a sip of his tea. He pours some water over Matsu as well.

"Letting go… it doesn't mean forgetting. I can never forget Masaki. I don't want to," Jun continues. "And I don't have to. It's just that maybe the way I was remembering him wasn't the right one? I know, I know… I'm starting to sound like that therapist."

He laughs for a while.

"But you know… the old man isn't that wrong."

 

_It's time to move forward.  
One step at a time._

 

"What do you mean you're staying another week in America, Nino?"

"Sorry, Jun-pon. There's some work stuff I need to do over here."

"Matsumoto-kun, where can I leave this?"

"Ah, just leave it on the table."

"Got it!"

"Who's that, Jun-pon? There's someone else over there, isn't there?"

"Hello, Matsumoto-san! I didn't know you'd have company!"

"Ohno-san? I didn't know you were coming!"

"H-He has a key?"

"Ah, yes…"

"I see… so you are…"

"We're friends, Sakurai-san."

"Yes, Matsumoto-san and I are _just_ friends."

"Jun-pon?"

"Nino? You still there?"

"We have a lot to talk about when I come back."

 

Nobody says anything for a while after Ohno's arrival. Sakurai and Ohno are staring at each other intently. Jun doesn't know how to interpret it.

"I'm Ohno Satoshi," Ohno says, holding out his right hand.

"Sakurai Sho," Sakurai replies and shakes the offered hand.

"So… do you like shellfish, Sho-chan?"

Jun blinks. 'Sho-chan', Ohno said. 'Sho-chan'. How can Ohno refer to Sakurai so casually? _He's just like Nino._

"I do."

"Then you're in for a treat!" Ohno grins. He opens the container he brought with him…

Sakurai's face lights up. "Are those oysters?"

And just like that, they become friends.

 

One beer later, Ohno and Sakurai are already laughing at each other's bad jokes. Jun doesn't understand what they find so amusing. They keep making lewd gestures, so he guesses they must be making sex jokes. That or Sakurai still laughs as easily as he used to.

Two beers later, Ohno asks Sakurai to call him 'Satoshi-kun'.

"We're friends now, aren't we? Friends don't call other friends 'Ohno-san'! No, no, no! You have to call me Satoshi-kun. I like that. Besides, I'm not _'Ohno-san'_. My father is Ohno-san. Well, also my mom, but that's not the point. The point is… you _have_ to call me Satoshi-kun. Okay?"

Jun had never heard Ohno say so many words in a row. That has to be a new record.

Three beers, and Sakurai _actually_ calls Ohno like that.

"Satoshi-kun, that's amazing!" Sho claps noisily as Ohno cuts a delicious piece of tuna in small slices. "You are so good with knives. I always cut my own fingers when I try to do stuff like that…"

Well, that's something Jun _can_ believe.

Four beers, and they're already telling each other their deepest secrets.

Ohno giggles as Sakurai whispers something in his ear. "That's so cute, Sho-chan," he coos and reaches for Sakurai's face. He fails and ends up wrapping his hands around Sakurai's neck. "Hey, Jun-kun, guess what? Sho-chan says that..."

Sakurai's face goes beet red. "It's a secret, Satoshi-kun!" He whines.

Ohno frowns. "So I can't tell Jun-kun?"

"No, no, no! You can't!"

"But I wanted to tell him!"

"I SAID NO!"

Jun leaves them alone for a while.

Five beers, and Ohno offers to show Sakurai how he dances in the poles that Jun has in his living room. For someone who has been consuming alcohol, Ohno is doing pretty well.

"Wait… so those bars are for dancing?" Sakurai asks with a surprised expression. "I thought they were just to decorate the room!"

Jun arches an eyebrow at him. "You can't be serious. Where does that look like a decoration?"

"I don't know! Art isn't my forte," Sakurai says. "And since you like weird stuff…"

Jun hits the back of Sakurai's head. Ohno continues dancing without a care for the world.

Six beers, and Sakurai attempts to do it too. He falls on his face.

"Are you okay?" Jun asks when Sakurai doesn't stand up right away.

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" Sakurai says and attempts to stand up. He falls again.

Seven beers, and Ohno starts sobbing out of a sudden. "Sho-chan's face is so cute… it makes me cry…" he says and reaches for Sakurai's face again.

Like the previous time, Ohno ends up going for Sakurai's neck. This time he squeezes. Sakurai coughs for a few minutes.

Eight beers, and Sakurai calls Jun 'Macchan'. Jun freezes when he hears it.

Nine beers, and they're hugging each other on the couch, babbling incoherent things. Jun shakes his head at the sight.

Ten beers, and Jun decides to put them to sleep.

 

"So… how are you guys feeling today?"

Both Ohno and Sakurai groan. They bury their heads under the blankets.

Jun laughs and goes straight to the kitchen to make some miso soup for those two. They got pretty wasted last night.

It was fun watching them, Jun has to admit.

 

Taking care of two hangover men isn't Jun's concept of a good morning, yet somehow this one _is_ good enough by his standards.

They have breakfast together. Sakurai leaves first, saying that he has things to do. He promises Ohno to call him so that they can go fishing together on Sho's next day off. Ohno bids him goodbye cheerfully.

When Ohno leaves, he tells Jun to keep practicing his dance moves. "You could show Sho-chan next time," he adds with a wink.

The mention of _next time_ makes Jun feel excited once again.

He's already making plans for it.

 

Nino has a smirk on his face when Jun starts their video call. "You're late! Partied too much with your boyfriends last night?"

Jun glares at him. "They're not my boyfriends! Ohno-san and Sakurai-san just got drunk and slept in my bed."

" _Just_ slept?"

"Nino!"

Nino bursts out laughing. "You should have done something else!" he says. "Sho-chan is pretty hot. Sure you could have…"

"He was wasted, Nino. I wouldn't do anything to a guy who's so out of it."

"Such a gentleman," Nino says, giggling behind his hand. "What about the other guy? Ohno-san?"

"He was even worse," Jun replies. "He started dancing in the pole, even though he was barely able to stand upright. It's a miracle that he didn't hurt himself."

"Wait, wait, wait… so this Ohno-san is _the_ Ohno-san?" Nino wiggles his eyebrows. Jun almost wishes he hadn't told Nino everything back in the hospital.

"Yes, he's _that_ Ohno…"

"Well, well, well… that's quite interesting!" Nino says with a grin so wide that it could split his face in two.

"I told you, _nothing_ happened," Jun insists. "We chatted, we drank some beers, and then we went to sleep. I was a lot more sober than them, so I put them to bed first. And that's it."

Nino pouts at him, seemingly disappointed. "Way to kill a guy's fantasies, Jun-pon!"

"Sorry about that."

Due to the lack of 'juicy' anecdotes from Jun, Nino spends most of their video call talking about the convention he's attending. He's met a lot of famous people during his stay at Los Angeles. "I'm best friends with Clint Eastwood now," Nino brags. "We went for dinner the other night. His treat, of course."

Jun has the feeling that Nino will never shut up about that when he comes back.

During their conversation, Jun realizes how much he's missed Nino. They haven't been friends for a long time, but seeing him every day has become an important part of Jun's routine, one that he doesn't want to give up.

Nino says that he will bring souvenirs for Jun, Ohno and Sakurai. "I want to meet them properly. I didn't have much time to talk with Sho-chan the last time, after all. Maybe the four of us can hang out at your place when I come back?"

It's a terrific idea. Jun tells Nino that.

When Nino asks Jun what he's been doing these days, Jun tells him about his shopping day with Sakurai. Nino congratulates him for getting over two of his fears: going outside and Sakurai Sho. Jun protests that he was never afraid of Sakurai, but Nino doesn't leave him in peace until he admits that _maybe_ he was _a little bit nervous_ about Sakurai's reaction towards him.

They say goodbye when Nino must go to bed—or, to be more exact, when Jun makes him end the video call because he's falling asleep on top of his keyboard.

"Night, night, Jun-pon," Nino yawns.

Jun smiles. "Night, night, Nino."

 

"Matsumoto-kun, do you have time tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I… I want to take you somewhere, if that's okay with you."

"Oh, sure…"

"Then… can I pick you up in the morning?"

"What time?"

"Not too early, don't worry."

"It's okay, I guess."

"Very well. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you."

 

There's a wooden bucket in Jun's hand. Sakurai handed it to him when they arrived at the cemetery.

Jun drags his feet and follows Sakurai's lead. He didn't expect that Sakurai would choose this place for their second _outing_ —because it's _not_ a date, no matter what Nino says. Even if it was, it would be a rather odd choice, especially knowing whose grave they've come to visit.

"Here we are," Sakurai says.

They stop in front of the tombstone marked 'Aiba'. A name has been carved recently on a side of the stone.

_Masaki._

It seems that nobody has come to visit the family grave in a while. They pour water over the tombstone and clean it carefully. Sakurai puts the flowers that they bought on their way here in a vase. He also lights a bunch of incense sticks so that they can start their prayers.

Jun closes his eyes and tells Masaki everything that has happened since he's gone. Jun talks about Nino, about how surprised he was to find out that Nino had been Masaki's friend when they were little. Jun tells Masaki that he thinks that they would have gotten along very well. Then Jun talks about Sakurai, who is actually not a bad guy, just like Masaki said. Lastly, Jun talks about Ohno, whom Masaki never met but would have probably liked, because Ohno is just that likable.

"I'll do my best to let go," Jun adds at the end. "I won't forget you, but I promise to move on. Will you keep watching over me?"

There is no reply, but Jun firmly believes that he has been heard.

Sakurai brought some sake for Masaki. They clean the grave again, bow, and then they leave. "Thanks for coming with me, Matsumoto-kun," Sakurai says.

Jun shakes his head. "Thanks to you for bringing me here."

They walk in silence until they reach Sakurai's car. "Do you want to go somewhere else, or should I take you home now?"

"Let's go for a cup of coffee," Jun says. "Ohno-san told me about a good place the other day. Want to check it out?"

"Sure," Sakurai replies.

They don't speak much during the ride. Sakurai seems preoccupied about something. His lips are moving from time to time, as though he was having a conversation with himself. That's a habit he's had since he was younger, and he only does it when there's something worrying him. Jun is intrigued about the reason, but chooses not to ask. If Sakurai wants to talk, he'll bring it up himself.

The place Ohno recommended him turns out to be an outdoor café. They choose a table that is right under a sakura tree. It's in full bloom, and Jun is glad that he took his allergy medicine before going out.

Sakurai orders an espresso and a piece of cheesecake, and Jun asks for a cappuccino and a croissant. Just when the waiter leaves, Sakurai clears his throat. "Matsumoto-kun… there's something I want to tell you." He takes a deep breath before continuing. "I'm leaving the agency."

Jun is speechless. "Why?"

"I'm tired." Sakurai sighs. "I've been tired for a couple of years already. The idea had crossed my mind a few times, but I didn't have the motivation to try and find something else to do with my life. When I saw what happened to you, I decided that I had had enough of it. The way they treat us isn't fair, and after seeing how they can abandon one of us just to protect their business, I just couldn't stay there anymore."

The waiter comes back with their order, interrupting their conversation for a moment. Jun observes Sakurai attentively, trying to read the expression on his face. As usual, Sakurai seems calm. He could be faking it to keep Jun from worrying about him. He's good at hiding his feelings after all.

When the waiter leaves, Sakurai faces Jun with a smile. "I'm very excited about this. The formal announcement is tomorrow."

"So soon?"

"I've been planning it for months," Sakurai smiles over his cup of coffee. He shoves a big piece of cheesecake in his mouth and immediately makes a sound that resembles a moan. "This is so good! You should try it!"

"Eh...?" Jun can barely react before Sakurai shoves a piece of cheesecake in his mouth too.

"How is it?"

"It's good," Jun admits. Ohno was right, they have some very good sweets at this café. It's not the time to get distracted with that though. Jun swallows the cheesecake hastily. "But Sakurai-san… are you really sure about your decision?"

"I am!" Sakurai says. "Don't get me wrong, I _do_ enjoy my job, but to keep working under the conditions that we are forced to accept is not what I want for my life. Not at this point."

Jun cannot argue anything against that. Their contracts limit their personal lives greatly. They earn well, but it's just a small percentage compared to what the agency gets for their work. And when they 'mess up', which can be anything from _actual_ breach of contract to showing signs of having a life, their superiors turn their back on them.

"I guess I can understand that, but what will you do now?"

Sakurai grins without saying a word. He takes an envelope out of his jacket's inner pocket and hands it to Jun. There's a letter inside. Jun's eyes widen as he skims the contents. "Is this…?"

"Masaki told me about his plan a few times. I don't know if he mentioned anything when he was with you, but this was all he talked about." Sakurai says. "Long story short: I closed that deal he was negotiating, and now I'm ready to start anytime."

"Wow, that's great!" Jun says. "Congratulations!"

"Thank you…"

There's a short pause before Sakurai makes his question.

"Matsumoto-kun, would you be interested in working with me?"

Jun doesn't need to think twice before replying.

"Of course."

 

The news are everywhere that morning. Tabloids, radio, TV, internet… everyone is talking about the same thing:

Sakurai Sho is retiring from the entertainment industry.

The public's favorite theory says that Sakurai's father, a renowned politician, has finally coerced him into going back to the path his family had always wanted him to take, threatening to disown him if he didn't comply—never mind that Sakurai has actually been disowned since he was a teenager.

A second version says that Sakurai has an illegitimate child, which was unacceptable for the agency and led to the termination of his contract. Some others report that what happened is that Sakurai wants to get married with his alleged girlfriend—an actress who is engaged and about to get married to another man, not that the media know that yet—who according to them is also pregnant.

The third one, and here is when Jun starts feeling concerned, is based on a photograph taken the previous day, where Sakurai is seen having a 'romantic date' with Matsumoto Jun in a café. They go so far as to say that the two of them _are_ in a relationship _and_ just got a partnership certificate in Shibuya.

"Well… they got the partnership bit right," Sakurai says with a laugh as they watch the news.  
Jun scowls at him. "It's not funny."

"Oh, come on! Nobody will believe _that_!"

"What the heck do you know?" Jun snaps at him. "You have NO idea of what people can do when they see shit like this on TV, okay? Your so-called fans must be now dissing you everywhere. The next time you go outside, don't be surprised if there's a mob of angry, mentally unstable people waiting for you."

"You're being paranoid, Matsumoto-kun."

"I'm not!" Jun insists. He's on the verge of tears. "I've seen what they do! I've lived it, Sakurai! They will hurt you!"

Sakurai takes a deep breath. "Come here," he says, opening his arms wide. Jun reluctantly approaches him. "Nobody will hurt me, okay."

"But..."

"You don't need to worry about me," Sakurai cuts him off. "I know you've been through a lot, and that you mean well by telling me this, but I'm sure that it will be alright."

"What if you're wrong?"

"Then I'll find a way to defend myself."

The topic is dropped, and Sakurai turns off the TV. Jun can't shake the uneasy feelings from his mind. He wants to believe that it won't be the same this time, that there's nothing to fear. Sakurai seems convinced of that, why can't Jun convince himself too?

They go out that day to check the truck. All the equipment is in perfect condition. Sakurai takes it to a garage, and then they go shopping for groceries and other things they need to make crepes. Nobody approaches them. There are no paparazzi, no angry fans, no scary psychopathic people waiting around the corner.

Jun still has his doubts, but it seems Sakurai was right.

 

"You're doing it wrong!"

Sakurai turns to look at Jun with a pout on his lips. "I did exactly what you told me to do!"

"You definitely did _not_!" Jun says. "If you had, these crepes wouldn't be so burned!"

"It's my first time!" Sakurai defends himself. "You can't expect me to do it perfect right away!"

Jun rubs his temples. "Fine… Let's try again, from the beginning."

On his second try, Sakurai burns only one side of the crepe and looks stupidly pleased with himself. Jun hates that happy Sakurai is too cute for him to genuinely get pissed.

 

It's their second day making crepes together.

"How is that, Satoshi-kun?" Sakurai asks with a grin as he hands Ohno his finished tuna crepe.

Ohno receives it with a happy face. Once he takes the first bite, his nose wrinkles. "I-It's good…" he says.

He looks a bit green though.

 

It's on their third day of trying to make crepes that Jun realizes it…

Sakurai Sho is not meant to do this kind of work.

"I'm sorry…" Sakurai says, looking a bit down. "I should have thought it better before going ahead and buying that crepe truck, shouldn't I?"

If Jun was mean, he would say that yes, that's right. But despite Sakurai's non-existent cooking skills, he's been a great companion since they met again.

"You just need practice, Sho-san."

Sakurai turns towards him with blushing cheeks. "S-Sho-san?"

Jun realizes what he said just in that moment.

He blushes too.

 

The day Nino returns, they have a small party.

Nino is thrilled to hear about Jun's new business partnership with Sakurai. He is so pleased that he 'invests' some money on their crepe truck. "But you have to name a crepe after me," he says—Jun suspects he is drunk when he says that. "The 'Very Good-Looking Guy' crepe."

Sakurai and Ohno burst out laughing. "I want one too, then!" Ohno says. "Mine will be… umm…" He paces around the room, lips pursed in concentration. "Ah, I don't know! Just call it 'Satoshi's crepe' or something like that!"

"Fine, we'll consider those. Right, Jun-san?" Sakurai says with a grin.

Nino and Ohno seem surprised at the use of Jun's first name. Sakurai is starting to look a bit pink, and he's looking away already.

"Sure thing, _Sho-san_ ," Jun replies. He ignores Nino's whistling and focuses only on Sakurai's happy expression. "Shall we name a crepe after you too? Perhaps the 'Nadegata Premium'?"

The other three start laughing, Sakurai being the loudest of them. "Only if yours is called the 'Thick Eyebrows Supreme'!" Sakurai replies with a smirk.

Their drinking session turns into a pseudo-brainstorming one. Nino suggests that they should take a picture of Jun in pink clothes, surrounded by a lot of candies, and use it to decorate the side of the truck. Ohno asks if they can use a fish as their logo instead. Sakurai only laughs and keeps drinking beer after beer.

At some point, Nino decides that he's going back to his apartment. Ohno goes with him, mumbling something about dancing fishes and dancing crepes.

When Jun closes the door after they leave, he sees Sakurai sitting on the couch, staring into the distance. Jun plops down next to him. "What are you thinking?" he asks.

Sakurai turns his face towards Jun. "You think we will succeed?"

"Of course we will!" Jun replies. "Why? You don't?"

"No, it's not that…" Sakurai sighs. "I'm… I guess I'm nervous, that's all."

"Sho-san…" Jun cups Sakurai's face. "We will be fine. Have a little faith in yourself!"

Sakurai nods. "Okay."

"Come on, let's go to bed." Jun stands up, but Sakurai pulls him back. He lands on Sakurai's lap. "Sho-san…?"

"Let me… just for a moment, please."

Jun lets Sakurai hold him tight against his chest. He can hear Sakurai's heart beating fast. "It will be alright," Jun says. "You're not alone in this, you know."

"I know," Sakurai says. "What I fear the most is that I might disappoint you…"

"You won't," Jun replies. "We make a good team."

"You think so?"

"Yeah."

Sakurai seems to calm down after that. He doesn't let go of Jun though. Jun actually feels so comfortable, that he starts feeling drowsy.

They fall asleep right there.

When they wake up, the first thing they see is each other's face. Surprisingly, it's not as awkward as Jun imagined.

"Slept well?" Jun asks.

Sakurai yawns and pulls him a bit closer. "Better than ever."

 

When Sakurai Sho puts his mind into something, he does it.

"Look at this, Jun-kun! It's perfect!" Sakurai says with a proud smile.

"Oh… you're right!" Jun agrees upon inspecting the crepe. "Finally!"

"Now eat it! I want to know what you think about the taste!"

Jun takes a bite and frowns. "Sho-san…"

"Yes?"

"What did you put in this crepe?"

Sakurai blinks. "The same as usual. Cream, strawberries, banana, and chocolate sauce."

"Really?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Take a bite, and you tell me."

Sakurai seems incredulous at first. After the first bite, he realizes his mistake.

"That's soy sauce, Sho-san."

 

Jun labels everything in the kitchen so that Sho doesn't mix up ingredients anymore.

It works. Sho is able to make one of Masaki's signature crepes without messing up. He's so happy after his success that he decides to make every crepe in their menu without Jun's help.

A bad decision.

"Sho-san…"

"I'm sorry!" Sho lowers his head. "I swear I don't know where the recipe went wrong!"

"The recipe never goes wrong!" Jun snaps.

Sho avoids making eye contact.

"Next time, don't go adding weird things to the crepes!"

Nino has a stomachache for the rest of the day.

 

Ohno makes green aprons for them. He also offers himself to paint something on the side of the truck.

"What… what is this!?"

There's a giant Masaki, clad in his obnoxious Disco Star getup, painted on the side of the truck. The Masaki in the picture is dancing with his hands behind his head.

And next to him are Jun, Nino, Sakurai, and Ohno himself.

"This is brilliant!" Sakurai claps excitedly. "I love it!"

"Disco Star-sama's crepes will be a huge success," Nino says with a smile.

Jun keeps glaring at the picture.

"Do my eyebrows really look like that?"

 

The day they open for business is just perfect.

Jun drags Sakurai to the cemetery at wee hours of the morning. Sakurai complains all the way there. "Since when do you like waking up early anyway, eh?" Jun only laughs at him.

They clean the tombstone and say their prayers together. Once they are done, they rush back to the car and return to Jun's apartment to get everything ready. The containers with the food and other things they'd be needing are in the kitchen, waiting to be loaded into the truck.

Following Masaki's plan, they go to the park near Jun's apartment building. It's a perfect location indeed. There are many other residential buildings around, as well as a few schools. The spot Masaki preferred is located right across the playground, where most mothers and children spend the time. He really thought of everything.

"Nervous?" Jun asks Sakurai as they're about to open. They're inside the truck, with the windows still closed.

"Yeah." Sakurai chuckles.

Jun wraps his arms around Sakurai's neck and pulls him forward. Sakurai automatically circles his arms around Jun's waist. "It will be fine."

"Hmm…"

"You just have to remember what we practiced."

"Yeah…"

"And don't worry if it's not perfect. This is our first day…"

Sakurai catches Jun off guard. He pecks Jun's lips.

"What was that?" Jun asks.

"Ah…" Sakurai fidgets. "A good luck kiss?"

Jun snorts. "Dude, if _that's_ the good luck kiss, we are doomed already."

"Hey!"

Jun leans and gives him a true good luck kiss. Sakurai is panting when they break it off, cheeks completely red. "That, Sho-san, is how you wish someone good luck." Jun winks at him and turns to open the windows. "Are you ready?"

"Yes."

When Jun finishes opening the windows, he finds himself face to face with none other than Nino.

"Hi there, Jun-pon!" Nino waves at him. He's wearing the yellow hoodie Jun gave him.

"What do you want?"

Nino pouts at him. "Is that the way to talk to a client?"

"You're not a client!"

"Oh, I believe I _am_." Nino takes out some bills. "What is your recommendation?"

Jun rolls his eyes at him. "You already know the menu. You helped us write it!" Nino continues staring at him in silence, a smirk formed on his lips. "We have the Super Funktastic Strawberry Aibanana & Cream Deluxe, if you like sweet things, as for the savory ones…"

"Aibanana? What the heck is an Aibanana?"

"It's just a banana, Nino."

"So there isn't anything special about the Aibanana?"

"No."

"Huh… Well, if you say so. You're the expert in Aibananas."

"Nino…"

"Hmm?"

"Will you buy the damn crepe or not?"

Nino clicks his tongue. "Careful, Jun-pon! There are little children around here!"

"Listen, Nino…!"

"Macchan," Sakurai says in a serious tone. "Just let Nino be."

"Yeah, you heard him, _Macchan_ ," Nino says with a grin.

"I'm going to kill you!"

"Whoa! How violent! Oh-chan, Oh-chan! Help!"

Yes, even that part was perfect.

 

_Sunshine is warm. Sunshine is bright._  
_Aiba Masaki was sunshine, but his light was extinguished._  
_Losing sunshine hurt. It was dark. It was cold. It was the worst thing ever._  
_But crying over sunshine can't last forever because when sunshine is gone, the stars appear._  
_Wouldn't want to miss them._


End file.
